From guest contributor Michael Josephson, founder of CHARACTER COUNTS!
Martin Luther King Jr., said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?” In a world increasingly dominated by unapologetic selfishness, this idea may seem quaint and outdated. Yet, for those who have a grand vision of their purpose and value, striving to be of service is not only a noble thing to do, it’s the best way to lead a truly fulfilling and significant life.
Poet William Allen Dromgoole put it this way:
An old man going a lone highway Came at the evening, cold and grey, To a chasm, vast and deep and wide, Through which was flowing a swollen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim. That swollen stream held no fears for him, But he paused when safe on the other side And built a bridge to span the tide.
“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim near, “You’re wasting strength with building here. Your journey ends with the ending day. You never again must pass this way. You’ve crossed this chasm deep and wide. Why build this bridge at the even’ tide?”
The builder lifted his old grey head, “Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said, “There followeth after me today A youth, whose feet must pass this way.
“This swollen stream that was naught for me, To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be. He too must cross in the twilight dim. Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.”
Conflict Resolution for Kids
From guest contributor Dr. Michele Borba
Arguing. Quarreling. Yelling. Door slamming. Crying. Hurt feelings. Sound familiar? Arguments are a big part of why kids can’t get along, and conflict (and conflict resolution) is also a part of life. One of the most essential skills you need to teach your child is how to handle conflicts so he can survive the social jungle and life. Learning how to deal with all those problems that crop up is a big part of growing up and an essential life skill.
The key point is that not only must your child learn conflict resolution, but do so in a peaceful, calm way so that all the kids involved feel like they’ve won. That’s called a win-win scenario and it’s the best way to reduce arguments and restore friendships. Doing so will not only dramatically boost your child’s friendship quotient, but also improve harmony on the home front. And wouldn’t that ever be a plus?
On a day-to-day basis, the problems our kids face are tough: prejudice, sibling conflict, academic and youth sport pressures, rejection by friends, cliques and gangs, bullying, trying to get along, as well as the frustrations of just growing up. These are issues we used to think only affected older kids; the fact is they are impacting our children at a younger and younger age.
Although we can’t protect our kids from problems, frustrations, and heartaches, we can arm them with tools to better handle them. The more we help them learn to resolve conflicts peacefully, the greater the likelihood they’ll develop into more self-sufficient, and resourceful individuals able to deal with any issue—and do so without our guidance.
5 Steps to Help Kids Solve Conflicts Amicably
Use the following as a guide to help your kid minimize fighting and learn to solve problems peacefully. Each letter in the acronym, “STAND” represents one of the five steps in conflict resolution and helps kids recall the process. I developed S.T.A.N.D. when I was teaching special needs kids who had difficulty recalling information. It worked so well for them, I began to use it in my private practice with kids. The best news is that I have students coming back years later saying, “I’m still taking that STAND, Dr. Borba.” YES!!!!
Take a S.T.A.N.D. to Solve a Problem
S – Stop and calm down. Keep emotions in check.
T – Tell what’s bugging you. Listen to each side. Stick to facts!
A – Assess alternatives. Brainstorm your options.
N – Narrow the choices to “win-wins”
D – Decide on the best one that you both agree upon -and do it!
Remember, the best way to teach any skill is by “Showing” not “Telling.” So model each step, and then rehearse it over and over until your child can do each step without you. Learning how to deal with problems in the comfort of your home is also the greatest place for kids to learn by trial and error. Keep reinforcing a realistic approach to help your kids solve problems until they can confidently do so on their own. Finally, make sure you are modeling how to solve problems. Kids watch their parents’ conflict styles and copy.
Step 1. S = Stop and Calm Down
The first step to solving problems peacefully — or conflict resolution — is teaching kids how to calm down and tune into their feelings. The reason is simple: it’s impossible to think about how to solve a problem if you’re upset. Once in control, you can begin to rationally figure out why you’re upset and then find an answer to your dilemma. So teach your kid to take a slow deep breath to calm down or walk away until he’s calm. If emotions are high amongst the two kids, do intervene: “I see two angry kids who need to calm down so they can figure out how to solve their problem.” Tip: You might need to separate the kids until their anger is under control.
Step 2. T = Take Turns Telling What the Problem Is
The trick in this second step in conflict resolution is to teach and then enforce these two critical rules:
No put downs or name-calling: You must listen to each other respectfully. (And that takes time!)
No interrupting: Each person gets a chance to talk. You might ask each kid to say what happened, summarize each view, and then end with, “What can you do now to solve this problem?” Make suggestions only when your kids really seem stuck.
Three Tips:
1. One trick: Tell kids to start their explanations with the word “I” instead of “You” then describe the problem and how they want it resolved. Doing so helps the speaker focus on the conflict without putting the other kid down. For instance: “I’m ticked because you never give me a turn. I want to use the computer, too.”
2. If emotions are high, give kids the option of writing or drawing their view of the problem instead of saying it to each other. It’s particularly helpful for younger or less verbal kids.
3. The goal should be to help each kid try and feel what it’s like to be in the other kid’s shoes. One way to do this is by having each kid put into their own words what the other kid has told them.
Step 3. A = List the Alternatives to Resolving It
Next, kids need to think of alternatives so they have more ways to achieve conflict resolution. Whether your child is a preschooler or an adolescent, the basic rules of thinking of solutions (or brainstorming — or “storming your brain for ideas”) are the same:
Brainstorming Rules for Kids
Say the first thing that pops into your mind-every idea counts.
Don’t put down anyone else’s ideas.
Change or add onto anyone’s idea.
Try to come up with ideas that work for both sides.
Don’t offer your help unless kids really seem stuck! The only way they will develop the confidence to figure things out alone is if you let them. To keep kids focused, say they must come up with five (or two or three for younger kids) different solutions before you return. Then leave for a few minutes. Stretch the time depending on the children’s age and problem-solving skills.
Teach Little Ones to Use a “Hand Pocket Solver”
A fun idea for younger kids is to teach them to use a “Hand Pocket Problem Solver” (aka their hand!) Hold their hand in yours and go through problem-solving steps. You will have to do this a dozen times but it will kick in!
Thumb: Say what’s bugging you (the problem) Pointer, Middle Man, Ring Man: Name 3 ways to solve it (ANYTHING!) Pinkie: Name the best choice.
Step 4. N = Narrow Choices
Narrow the options down to a few choices. Hint: You will have to go through this a few times but the process is so important. These are the steps that teach decision-making — the same steps your tween or teen will need later to make good, wise, and safe choices alone.
Here are two rules to help kids get closer to resolving the problem:
Rule 1: Eliminate solutions that are unacceptable to either kid because they don’t satisfy their needs.
Rule 2. Eliminate any solutions that aren’t safe or wise (or against our home rules).
Step 5. D = Decide the Best Choice and Do It!
The final step helps kids learn how to make the best decision by thinking through the consequences of their choices. You can teach kids to think about the consequence of their remaining choices by asking: “What might happen if you tried that?”
Another way to help kids decide on the best choice is by helping them weigh the pros and cons of each remaining possibility:
“What are all the good and bad things that might happen if you chose that?”
“What is the one last change that would make this work better for both of us.”
Once they decide, the two kids shake on the agreement or take turns saying, “I agree.” And then they must stick to that agreement. Yes, it will take time — so keep on. Remember, your real goal is to help your kids learn to act right and make safe, wise choices without you. So keep guiding your kids until they can do the steps– and then step back so they will.
Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist, and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on Twitter @MicheleBorba.
In my lifetime, I’ve had the good fortune of having a handful of good friends.
Each of my children have many hundreds. At least that’s what they call every Facebook connection they collect like trophies. The list of those kinds of friends includes people they barely know, some they don’t know at all, and even some people they don’t like.
They also have lots of real friends – people they actually know and spend time with. They profess to “love” and “miss” quite a few and, though it defies the meaning of the word “best” they each have a rotating group of best friends often referred to a BFFs (best friends forever) or BFFLs (best friends for life).
It’s pretty obvious to an old codger like me (using the word codger proves how old I am), that their use of the labels “friend” and “best friend” represents a diluted and naïve concept of the intensity and longevity of friendship.
In relationships, “forever” is, outside of rare exceptions, a romantic illusion borne out of real but transitory emotions. From the perch provided by decades of experience, it’s pretty obvious that none or only a few of today’s BFFs will be in their lives for very long.
This is not to say that these relationships aren’t important or that they don’t provide all kinds of needed comforts such as companionship, validation, support, fun, and caring counsel. But just as lasting and meaningful love is hard to find and sustain, true friendships are rare and, therefore, precious.
Generally, the intensity and longevity of almost all friendships are tied to context, place and time.
Except for friendships with relatives (if you’re fortunate to have any who really are your friends), friendships rarely make the transition from one major stage of our lives to another.
And though we may feel affection for old friends who once played a central role in our lives, unless we have been in regular contact, many of the qualities that made the relationship so special (shared joys and grief in real time, common experiences, intimate knowledge of our thoughts and feelings) just aren’t there anymore.
The insight of age is that even our best friendships usually morph into memories.
Fortunately, the emotions that define these memories are easily re-awakened and enjoyed with even infrequent contact.
Communicating with “old friends” can enrich our lives by bringing our pasts into the present, reminding us of who we were and how we became what we are.
The irony is that Facebook, which seems to promote a watered down version of friendship for my kids, also makes it possible for me to re-connect with a small army of far-flung folks who once played a major role in my life — and I’m glad for that.
Resilience and Overcoming Obstacles (Grades 6-12)
Overview: Students need to embrace resilience as they care for one another during conflict. This lesson focuses on the caring Pillar while supplying a resource to problem-solve and build resilience.
Character education objectives:
Students will discuss problems and solutions
Students will brainstorm solutions to a problem
Students will use the Problem Solving Essentials tool and compose a caring response /solution for a problem
What is a problem you have had to solve at home or school?
What was challenging about solving it?
Whole Group Instruction: (10 mins)
You are going to compose an advice column to help people solve problems in their lives.
You will work in groups of 4-5 to problem solve solutions to real-life issues.
You will compose a caring response to help the sender tackle their problem.
I want you to utilize the Problem Solving Essentials tool.
For each problem scenario you will…
Define the problem and solution goals
Brainstorm all possible solutions
Write down everyone’s suggestions
Encourage everyone to participate and give ideas
No idea is a bad idea they can all lead to great ideas
Adapt, expand, innovate, and eliminate possibilities
Determine the best route with the list of ideas you came up with during the brainstorming
Test solution and revise as needed
Compose a response and edit / wordsmith until you feel it is ready to submit
Share with the classroom
Whole Group Model with the classroom the following scenario: (15 mins) DEAR ABBY: I’m a freshman in high school, and it’s great. I’ve made a lot of new friends, but most of them are guys. For some reason, they think I’m this girly-girl type who doesn’t like to get my hands dirty. When it’s time to do something that involves lifting, they think they have to take over. If they ever saw me at home, they’d think I was a whole different person. How can I show them I’m not a girly-girl while still being friends with them? — NO GIRLY-GIRL-14
Small Group Discussion: (10 mins)
How does our response show we care?
Review what resilience means
How do you build resilience?
Why is it important to seek advice from people who care about you?
How does seeking advice from someone you care about help build resilience?
Lesson Plan Day 2:
Journal: (5 minutes)
Write a Dear Abby Response to the problem you listed in your journal (see lesson plan day one)
Small Group Productive Group work: (25 mins)
Students can use the Problem-Solving Handout to gather their thoughts
Students will go through the scenarios listed on the Scenario Handout (Allow them to choose one they would like to work on together)
Students will use the Problem Solving Essentials tool and compose a solution for the problem
Whole Group: (10 mins)
Share aloud the advice your group offered for the teen
Exit Ticket: (5 mins)
How does advice from someone who cares about you help build resilience?
References
If students are unfamiliar with advice columns you can send them to the sites below to review and read some of the responses from Abby.
Dear Abby. 2020. Uexpress. [online] Available at: <https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2020/2/9/2/teen-resents-being-treated-like-a> [Accessed 30 March 2020].
Dr. M., 2020. Ask Dr. M — Advice For Teens Advice Column. Advice For Teens, Advice For Kids, Advice For Children, Advice For Young Adults, Advice For Parents, Advice For Parents Of Kids, Advice For Parents Of Teens, Advice For Parents Of Young Adults. [online] Askdrm.org. Available at: <http://www.askdrm.org/col_teens.html> [Accessed 30 March 2020].
Caring (Grades K-5)
Overview: Reflecting on your own character is important to grow and stay accountable. This lesson is designed for students to reflect on the character skill of caring and the ways they display it to others. It also allows students time to discuss how they can continue to show care towards others and how they can make changes to become even more caring.
Character Education Objectives:
Students will
reflect their own character.
share their character traits with a partner and discuss similarities.
Discuss the character trait of caring with students. Ask them what caring looks like and what caring sounds like. Encourage them to think about people who they know that are caring and what they say and do.
You may want to write those traits down on chart paper.
Small Group/Partners
Give each student a body outline.
Encourage students to think about their own character of caring. Give them a few minutes to brainstorm how they are caring. Remind them with some of the examples they thought of in the large group.
Have each student describe the things that make them caring in the body outline by either writing or drawing. Encourage students to fill their entire body because it’s important not only to self-reflect, but also to compliment yourself and the work you do.
Students will share their character body outline with a partner or small group.
Discussion Questions
How do you and your partner/group members show caring the same way?
How do you and your partner/group show caring in different ways?
When is it hard to be caring?
What do you do when
How can you show caring more often or in a better way?
Journal
Encourage students to journal one thing they will commit to in order to become more caring. Have students be specific with their commitment, not something general like “I will be nicer” or “I will care more.”
Teachers care about the relational aspect of teaching. They take time to establish a trusting and caring connection with students, who in turn become more receptive to what’s being taught. Caring is at the heart of our character and will help in creating a positive school climate. Here are our tips for educators: an introduction to caring:
Questions to ask:
What are your thoughts on teaching caring, kindness and empathy in the classroom?
In what way are our students already upholding the Pillar of caring?
Are there examples of where we could improve in words or actions on the part of students toward the Pillar of caring? How about as a staff?
What can we do to teach students to be more caring and kind to others?
Activities to do:
Write 3 classroom key beliefs around the Pillar of caring that you would like to instill in your students.
Write 2 key beliefs you would like to instill in students throughout the school, hallways, lunchroom, etc.
What instructional strategies or classroom management techniques could you use to be intentional and explicit in instilling these beliefs?
Positive Sticky Notes – Leave sticky notes with positive messages
Thank You Letter – Write (and send!) an anonymous letter to someone you respect in your school, workplace, or other community space.
Caring Bulletin Board – Create a bulletin board in your school and provide plenty of paper in fun shapes or designs where adults and students can write down the acts of kindness they have received or benefitted from.
Project to explore:
One of the effective ways to implement CHARACTER COUNTS! in a school is the creation of a school-wide project. As this lesson is on the Pillar of caring, a school could consider as a project a Campaign of Kindness. As a staff, brainstorm the following:
Slogan for the campaign
Agree upon at least four action items that would help to implement the Culture of Kindness campaign
Assign responsibilities for staff, students and parents
Establish a timeline with a specific target date for the Kindness project
Overview: Goal setting is an important skill every student needs to develop to become a more productive citizen. However, students do not always understand the difference between goal setting and goal achievement, nor do they grasp the steps it requires to achieve their goals. So, this lesson will walk students through the steps and supports needed to set and attain their goals.
Character Education Objectives:
Students will:
discuss the difference in goal setting and achievement.
share a desired goal they have to become a more productive member of society.
create a map to help them navigate the journey to reach their objective.
Duration:
Creating the map may take more than one day depending on students.
Our citizenship does not stop at the physical space we occupy. Citizenship has expanded to the communities we have created online. Digital citizenship is important for students as they complete school work and socialize in the digital space. This lesson is designed to give students tips on being a safe digital citizens.
Character Education Objectives:
Students will discuss their own digital citizenship.
Students will brainstorm ways to be a safe digital citizen.
Where are you a digital citizen? YouTube? SnapChat? TikTok? Google?
What do you do the most on the Internet?
How do you know it is to talk to someone on the Internet?
Large Group
Explain to students that just like their neighborhood, school and family, the internet is a community as well. As a community member, they a responsibility to be a safe digital citizen.
Break the students into five groups. Each group will be assigned a different Internet safety tip. The tips are:
Don’t give out personal information.
Never send pictures to strangers.
Keep passwords private.
Don’t download anything without permission.
Tell an adult if you receive a mean or strange message.
Have the groups develop a slogan, song, rhyme or short skit for their rule. The goal is to find a way to create something catchy so students are able to retain the rules.
Have groups present their ideas to the large group.
Journal Remind students that there are a lot of restrictions put on internet access at school, but in some settings (home, friend’s houses) there are few restrictions. What are some other things you can do to make safe internet decisions?
Fun Ways to Help Kids Learn the Power of Kindness
From guest contributor Dr. Michele Borba
When my children were little, we played a game called the Silent Fuzzy Pass. Fuzzy was a bright orange, ragged old stuffed animal that I suppose was a bear though it’s debatable. Each night, Fuzzy “mysteriously appeared” on one of my son’s pillows because the receiving child had been especially caring that day-and trying to sneak it there was always challenging. I only needed to put Fuzzy out once for the game to be effective.
The very next day-and the next few weeks-the boys were on a “kindness alert,” watching for a brother to say or do something nice so that they could later try to guess who Fuzzy would visit that night. All day long they would run to me with “kindness reports”: “Zach was really nice. He shared his toys with me.” “Jason was kind. He let me choose the game we played.” The only rule was that the boys had to explain why they felt the deed was kind. Later that night they would run to their pillows to see who Fuzzy had visited. The nonrecipients would tell the honored brother why Fuzzy probably chose him by reciting the kind deeds they remembered him doing earlier. Then the discussion would turn to their telling the brother how much they liked receiving his kind gestures, and the smile on the listener’s face was always priceless.
I still don’t remember how our “Fuzzy visits” got started. It probably was one of those spontaneous parenting moments when my kids’ “kindness level” needed readjusting, and the idea just came. But it was amazing how such a simple little strategy could be so effective in boosting the virtue in my family. It sure taught me a few things: I learned that by really targeting kindness for a few weeks at home, my sons focused more on the behavior, and doing so helped them acquire a repertoire of kind deeds. I also learned the importance of letting my children know that their kind deeds positively affected others. Their kind gestures blossomed in our home-and it was so simple!
I’ve used these virtue-building lessons with my kids as well as students ever since. And it also seems that research shows that that easy little “spur of the moment” technique is one of the best ways to boost our children’s kindness muscles.
The Science of Kindness
Studies firmly support the theory that by practicing small acts of kindness, people are often guided to perform more widespread acts of compassion even though that may not have been their original intention.
Samuel and Pearl Oliner discovered this phenomenon in their famous landmark study in Europe involving the rescuers of Jews from the Nazi persecution. Their book, The Altruistic Personality, is profound. In their interviews with the rescuers, a significant number said they had first planned to give only limited help, but their commitment grew once they became involved. The same phenomenon will take place with children once they recognize that their acts of kindness are appreciated. The more opportunities children have to experience what it feels like to be the giver of kindness, the more likely they will incorporate the virtue as part of their character. We need to make sure our children have those opportunities to extend kindness.
3 Ways Kids Can Practice Doing Kind Deeds
What follows are a few ideas parents, teachers, and club leaders have used that encourage kids to practice doing kind deeds.
1. Create a Kindness Center Piece
A family from Toledo shared this heart centerpiece activity with me; it not only makes a charming decoration but also nurtures kindness. Gather your family together and brainstorm a list of kind deeds kids can do for just about anybody. Set one criterion: the deeds must all come “straight from the heart” and can’t be something you purchase.
Here are a few simple kindness suggestions other kids have come up with: say hello, ask how they are, offer to help, share something (anything!), give a compliment, invite them to play, listen and wait, give a pat on the back, ask someone to have lunch with you, teach a game to a friend, let the other person “go first,” write a thank you note, hug someone you love, open the door, give praise, do an errand for someone, give a high five, recycle, rake the neighbor’s leaves, wave to a stranger, bring a flower to your teacher, let them choose first, smile
Next, help your kids cut out fifteen to twenty-five colored paper heart shapes about three inches wide. On each heart, write a different kind deed. Then have kids decorate the hearts with whatever art supplies you have handy–glitter, stickers, marking pens, doilies, and paper scraps. Tape the back of each heart onto a pipe cleaner. Now place the “heart flowers” into any vase.
Every morning, invite each family member to pull a heart shape from the centerpiece. Encourage him to do the kind deed for people sometime that day. Each night at dinner, have everyone take turns describing his kindness-giving experience. Be sure to point out that people react differently to kindness and that not everyone may seem appreciative, but kind deeds are always the right thing to do.
2. Assign Secret Kindness Pals in Your Class or Home
This idea is a great way to help children learn that giving can be just as fun as receiving. Start by writing each child’s name on a paper slip; put them all in a basket, bag or other container. Each participating child then takes a turn pulling a slip; the pulled name becomes the child’s secret kindness pal. Explain that her task for the next week-a few days for younger kids-is to do a secret act of kindness toward her pal each day. Emphasize that the pal should not “see” the child performing the deed-that’s what makes it secret and what makes the game so intriguing.
Some of the secret deeds kids come up with are just plain wonderful. I’ve had students draw pictures, write a song, pick a flower bouquet, and string a necklace. My own kids secretly cleaned a brother’s room (a true first!), did laundry, and even ironed a shirt (though this was definitely a time when the thought was what really counted, not what the shirt looked like later).
My favorite example came from a Girl Scout troop in New York. Each girl’s secret buddy was a cancer patient in a pediatric ward. Each day for a month, the girls did secret kindly deeds for the children, such as leaving e-mail messages for them on the hospital computers, bringing toys, making colorful posters to wish them a happy day, baking cookies, and even making tapes of their favorite music to give. The patients adored the gestures, but the girls got even more enjoyment from doing the secret caring deeds.
When I did this activity with students, I always allowed a few minutes before dismissal to ask: “Has anybody done something nice for you? What was it? How did it make you feel? Who do you think your secret pal was today?”
The discussion always generated ideas for more secret kind gestures and also clearly let the senders know that their gestures were appreciated. Warning: the key to the activity’s success is keeping the secret pal a secret-which is almost impossible for some kids ( like one of my own sons -so try to keep things lighthearted even if the secrecy rule isn’t strictly adhered to. Feel free to give younger kids hints for ideas they might try to keep things hush hush.
3. Make a Giving Tree Filled with Kind Deeds
One of the cutest ideas I’ve seen for helping kids practice kindness was done by a Boys and Girls Club in Atlanta. The leaders first read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, a wonderful parable about a tree and a boy who grow old together and finally that recognize the greatest gift is giving of yourself. Next, they stood a large leafless tree branch in a pot and placed it in the middle of the room. The leaders then asked the kids to think of kind gestures they could do for someone when she looked sad or lonely like the tree. Each child’s idea was written on a six-inch leaf shape precut from colored paper, then hung to the branch with a paper clip.
In a short time, their Giving Tree was covered with kind ideas, such as give a hug, smile, call her at home, ask her to play, sing a song, say a kind word, share something, ask what you can do, draw a picture. The leaders finally said, “Each day during the week when you come to the club, go to the Giving Tree, find an idea you could do for someone to make his day brighter, and then do it. It will make not only his day better, but also yours.”
Parents, scout leaders, and teachers have told me they also made Giving Trees to help promote kindness with children. All you need is a small branch, plaster of paris, construction paper, scissors, paper clips, and a can. In fact, a fun family outing is taking a walk together just to find “the perfect branch.”
There are dozens of simple kindness rituals you can do with children.
A year-round Giving Tree: My girlfriend Cindy Morse kept her tree for years standing by her kitchen table. Every holiday, her children decorated the tree: paper bunnies for Easter, Kleenex ghosts for Halloween, American flags for the Fourth of July, and hearts with kind deeds for Valentine’s Day. It’s a wonderful family tradition you might want to begin. Cindy now does the same activity with her grandkids.
Pull a kind deed every day Giving Tree: My own family kept a small “Giving Tree” on our kitchen table. We’d periodically add more “kind deeds” written on small paper leaves to the tree. It was the perfect way to start. Each of us could look at one kind deed and then try to remember to do it for someone that day. A highlight of the evening dinner was talking about the kind deed and the impact it had on the individual.
A Giving Tree kindness wall at a school: The Shipley School in Pennsylvania just emailed that they were started a Kindness Wall today. Every student was writing (or drawing) on a Post-it note an act of kindness they had done or seen that day. The wall was wrapping the school! What ideas are you doing with your students or children? Please share! After all, the world needs kindness and it must start with our children. Let’s start kindness traditions and keep them going all year round!
Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect,The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba.
Seven ways to build strong character and integrity in children
From guest contributor Dr. Michele Borba
Wondering what can you do to help your kids counter negative influences and stand up for what they know is right? The answer is to nurture a solid moral core that will guide them to stand up for their beliefs and act right without us. And the best news is that we can teach kids the core virtues and skills of strong character and moral courage and can begin when they are toddlers.
1. Know What You Stand for So Your Kid Knows Parents with clearly identified moral convictions are more likely to raise good kids. Because their kids know what their parents stand for and why they do, their kids are more likely to adopt their parents’ beliefs. So begin by asking yourself what virtues and moral beliefs matter most to you. Make a list, then narrow them to your top three. These will become your personal moral code and guide you in how you will raise your child. It’s also the best way to help your child develop his own moral beliefs. Here are five quick questions to gauge how well you’re parenting solid moral beliefs in your child:
You can quickly name the 3-5 virtues you want most for your child to acquire.
Your child could name the virtues you believe in most without prompting.
You reinforce your child whenever he shows your selected virtues in his behavior.
Your child can clearly see your chosen virtues in your daily behavior.
You use those virtues as your day to day code of ethical behavior and family living.
2. Walk Your Talk One great question to ask yourself each day is: “If I were the only example my child had to learn moral habits, what did she learn today from watching me?” The answer can be quite revealing. By watching your choices and hearing your casual comments, kids learn our moral standards. Make sure the moral behaviors your kids are picking up on are ones that you want your kids to copy. How many of these messages apply to you? Do you…
Eat a “sample” from a store’s candy bin in front of your child without paying?
Buy a ticket for a “child under twelve” even though your child is older?
Drive faster than the speed limit with your child as a passenger?
Tell your child to say you’re not there when your boss calls?
Do the majority of your child’s work on a school project, but have him sign his name?
3. Share Your Moral Beliefs and Take Stands Speaking frequently to your child about values is called direct moral teaching. Parents who raise ethical kids do it a lot. So look for moral issues and talk about them as they come up: from TV shows and news events to situations at home, school, and friends. Tell your kids how you feel about the issue and why.
Share examples of morally courageous heroes such as Rosa Parks, Pee Wee Reece, Harriet Tubman, Abe Lincoln. There are wonderful books and videos in your local library that you can share with your child.
Most important: Stand up for your own beliefs whenever you feel a major value is jeopardized. Your kid needs to see and hear about moral courage so he has an example to copy.
4. Ask Moral Questions to Stretch Moral Development Questioning is an important parenting tool for enhancing children’s consciences and strengthening moral beliefs. The right kind of questions can help kids expand their ability to take another perspective and ask themselves: “Is this the right thing to do?” Both are critical precursors to taking any moral stand. Here are a few questions parents can ask that stretch your kid’s moral thinking:
“How would you feel if someone treated you that way?” “If you don’t follow through on your word, what do you think would happen?” “If everybody acted that way (i.e. cheated, shoplifted) what would happen?”
5. Boost Empathy Kids who stick up for others are kids who feel for others. Empathy is what motivates that feeling, halts cruel behavior and urges kids to take a stand. Here are two powerful ways to nurture empathy:
Ask: How would you feel? Ask kids to ponder how another person feels using situations in books, TV, and movies as well as real life. It forces them to think about other peoples’ concerns.
Use role playing. It helps kids imagine others’ feelings so ask your child to think how the other person would feel if roles were reversed. “Switch sides: what would the other person say and do?” Young kids can use puppets or toy figures to act out the problem from both sides.
6. Reinforce Assertiveness Not Compliance If you want to raise a child who can stand up for his beliefs, then reinforce assertiveness—not compliance. Encourage him to share his opinions and stand up for what is right. And do so from early age so he can weather the storm of negative peer influence. Parents who raise morally courageous kids expect their kids to act morally—even demand that they do.
7. Teach Assertive Skills The truth is that it takes real moral strength to go against peer pressure and to stick up for your beliefs. So teach your child assertive skills so he can take the right kind of stand whenever he’s confronted with a moral dilemma. Here are three ways to boost moral courage:
Teach assertive posture. Teach your kid to stand up for his beliefs by using confident, assertive posture: stand tall with feet slightly apart, head held high, and look the person straight in the eye.
Say no firmly. Stress that he must say his beliefs using a friendly, but determined voice. Then don’t give in. His job is not to try changing the other person’s mind, but to follow his beliefs.
Tell reasons why. Ask your child to give the person the reason for his stand. It helps strengthen his conviction: “Stop bullying him; it’s cruel.” Or “No, it’s illegal and wrong.” Repeating the belief several times boosts assertiveness and helps your child not back down from his stand.
Keep in mind that your child’s moral growth is an ongoing process that will span the course of her lifetime. The moral knowledge, beliefs, and habits you instill in her now will become the foundation she’ll use forever.
Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect,The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba.
