When under stress, or outside of our comfort zone, it can be tempting to shy away from responsibility. However, it is critical as the school year progresses that each person take responsibility for their role in ensuring a safe and productive learning environment.
When norms and routines are disrupted, it can be easy to lose sight of our goals and the process we need to follow to achieve those goals. The Goal Map tool is an excellent resource to focus attention on the action steps needed to continue progressing towards our objectives, especially when we are outside of our comfort zone.
Responsibility for Educators: The unique challenges of this school year likely feel overwhelming. How do you transition your entire curriculum to online delivery? How do you track student progress when you don’t see your students each day? How do you create a productive classroom space while still following health guidelines? Use the Goal Map to break down what seem like insurmountable tasks into small, achievable action steps. Devote your time and energy solely to each step until you are ready to move on to the next action step.
Responsibility for Students: Students can use the Goal Map to craft a plan for achieving objectives each day, each week, each month, or even over an entire semester. Whether attending school online or in person, the Goal Map can help students identify what tasks need to be completed, in what order, and track their progress towards completion.
Responsibility for Families: The Goal Map is a great tool for families to use to help their students create a learning plan, especially for students working online. Create a Goal Map each day, outlining the objective for the day, and the action steps needed to reach those objectives. Then, review the Goal Map at the end of the day to track progress and ensure students are taking the necessary steps to be successful each day.
We all make countless decisions every day. Should you wear a face mask while out in public? Attend a social justice protest? Confront someone you disagree with?
Some of these decisions have relatively minor consequences (good or bad), while other decisions could have significant implications for us and others. A tool like the Character-in-Action Checklist (below) can help you navigate complicated choices and make the right decision.
When making a decision, ask yourself:
Will my words and actions be honest, sincere, and reliable?
If the situation was reversed, is this how I would hope to be treated?
What are the consequences of my words and actions if I make this choice?
Is my decision fair to everyone involved in and affected by my actions?
Is my decision expressing compassion and kindness?
Would I want to live in a world where everyone makes this choice?
Not every decision will align with each of the Six Pillars of Character. They can come into conflict with each other and even themselves. For example, sometimes the right decision isn’t fair to everyone involved. However, by identifying that a decision may not be fair, you can address the issue, explain why you made the decision, and provide support to those who perceive the decision as unfair. Or, sometimes the right choice may be contrary to a previous commitment, thus not in alignment with the trustworthiness test. Knowing this can help you determine how to honor your word when your decision doesn’t allow you to keep your word.
We’re facing troubling times and we can all contribute to the greater good by making sound decisions that reflect our best selves.
We are living through challenging and turbulent times. Americans are facing an international health pandemic, financial uncertainty, racial tensions, and civil unrest. It can be easy to feel helpless – wondering what possible impact someone like me can have on such great problems?
We can start with what is within our control: our character. Start by reflecting on the Six Pillars of Character (trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring and citizenship). Think of the Six Pillars of Character as ‘I’ and ‘action.’ We can ask ourselves: what am I doing to act in a capacity worthy of trust, how am I demonstrating respect, am I being responsible for my actions and consequences of my choices, are my decisions fair and equitable to those that are impacted, am I demonstrating a caring heart, am I being a good citizen fulling my duties and responsibilities?
Values like the Six Pillars guide us through difficult times and the actions we take. It is in these moments that we would do well to remember the words of Edward Everett Hale.
“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”
This is our challenge. What is the thing you can do? And not just today, but tomorrow, and next week, a year from now, and for the rest of your life because we know that there is always a way for us to get better, individually and collectively.
The issues that confront us are immense and it can be tempting to cave to feelings of inadequacy. But the fact remains, while you cannot do everything, you can do something. And remember, character counts in everything you do.
Students will discuss, based their experience, the impact of messes on their lives, minds, and community.
Content Goal
Students will explore ways to demonstrate responsibility by cleaning and organizing their space.
Language Goal:
Students will share ideas about ways to clean and organize their lives to demonstrate they are responsible citizens of their school, home, and community.
Purpose: April showers bring May flowers. Spring cleaning and a transition into the coming months of summer is a great opportunity to help students recognize opportunities to show responsibility by cleaning their home, school, and community. Students can demonstrate they are responsible by finding places to clean.
Students will collaborate with a partner to create and execute a plan for a challenge.
Content Goal:
Students will reflect on a created plan to improve the outcome.
Language Goal:
Students will craft language around how to give feedback.
Purpose: Setting goals and creating a plan is only part of the equation of success. Reflection and assessment give students the opportunity to learn from experiences. This lesson is designed to give students a chance to create a plan, execute it and then reflect on their experience to improve results for the future.
Lesson:
Activity – Blindfold obstacle course (20 minutes)
Before the activity, you will want to create a very simple obstacle course outside or in a large motor space. A few simple lines of cones or something for students to weave in and out of is ideal.
Break the students up in pairs. Explain that you will be doing a challenge where one student will have a blindfold on and the other will be guiding them with their voice only. Then they will switch roles and try again. Before sending them to do the challenge, ask them to create a plan of how they will succeed. Ask them to think about what could make them successful. Will they use code words or sounds to separate their voice from the other team? Will they keep speaking to give constant direction or only use a few words to avoid confusion? Who will go first? Ask them to write down their plan with their partner.
Take the partners to the obstacle course. You likely will not have enough lines of cones for all the partner groups, so ask students to wait in a line behind the sets of cones and share the course. Get your first group of pairs ready by having one student be blindfolded.
Explain that the goal is to get to the other side of the cones by weaving in and out without hitting the cones. Students are only able to use words to assist one another. Once the team reaches the other side they will switch blindfolds and the speaker will now become the walker and the walker will now be the speaker. Remind students it is a game of accuracy, not speed, and to use the plans they had created.
Allow each pair of partners to go down and back. Bring the students back to the classroom.
Reflection(10 minutes):
Creating a plan is only half the battle to being successful. The students created a plan and executed the plan, but now it is time to reflect. Ask the pairs to think about the plan they created and how well they followed it in the challenge. Specifically ask them to think about and discuss these three things with their partner:
What did we do well from our plan?
What did we not do well from our plan?
What could we do better or differently next time?
As a group discuss the following questions:
Why is it important to talk about the good things after you did something?
Is it sometimes hard to talk about the things that did not go well with someone? Why?
What could you learn from those things that did not go well?Plan a time you can take the students back to the obstacle course to try again to test out their self-assessment and reflection. See if they improved on the challenge after reflecting. After, ask them to continue the reflection and think about – did it go better this time? Why or why not?
Family Connection: Encourage families to think about a goal they want to complete together. It could be a project in the home, a service project or something they would like to achieve like playing more games together. Ask the families to plan how they will complete the goal and the responsibilities of each member. Once they have established the plan of how to execute their goal, encourage families to discuss a plan for reflection and assessment of that goal. That reflection plan will answer these three questions:
When will we reflect?
Will it be after the goal is completed or throughout?
Be specific with the time.
How will we reflect?
How will we give each other feedback?
Talk about what went well and what did not.
How will we modify?
What could we do better or differently?
Look forward and see if you need to make changes to your current plan or for the next time.
Teach your children to hang in there when the going gets tough, but know when to let them throw in the towel.
Perseverance often makes the critical distinction between whether kids succeed or fail. Will they have the inner strength to keep on or be plagued by self-defeat, be unwilling to give it their best shot? Children who learn to bounce back and not let setbacksget them down have gained a valuable skill for life. If our children are to succeed in this competitive world, they must learn to hang in there and not quit.
The good news? Research shows parents can build “stick-to-it-ness” by adopting simple, proven strategies.
Tips for Nurturing Stick-to-itness
1. Find the right activity that fascinates your kid
Tune into your child and find his natural interests, passions or talents. If he loves drawing consider art lessons; if he enjoys listening to music, try piano or violin. Ask teachers or other adults for their input. The trick is to gauge your child’s interest in the sport, lesson, or activity – before you start.
Remember, the sport that fit your oldest kid may not be the right fit for your middle kid. What turns your kid on? Find the right match and you’ll ignite his passion!
2. Start with the right expectations
Parents who want their kids to stick with a task set the right expectations. Here are five factors to consider:
Kid factor. Is what I’m expecting something my child is interested in or shows a talent for, or is it something I want more for myself? Who is pushing whom?
Time factor. Does my child have enough time to devote to practicing? Don’t overload! Beware, many tweens want to quit if there isn’t enough time for friends. A University of Maryland study found that over the past 20 years the amount of time children ages nine to 12 spend participating in structured sports has increased by 35 percent.
Challenge factor. Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I’m expecting, or am I pushing him beyond his internal timetable? The best expectations are realistic but also gently stretch your child “one step more.”
Teacher or coach factor. Is the coach or teacher skilled and tuned in to kids? Benjamin Bloom’s study of 120 immensely talented (and successful) individuals (in such fields as science, swimming, art and music) found that the first teacher was critical.
Worth it factor. Is this activity commitment worth the time, finances and energy for both my child and our family?
3. Be a good role model
Show your kids how you don’t give up on a task even when things get difficult. Before starting a new task, make sure your child overhears you say, “I’m going to persevere, until I am successful.” Modeling the trait is always the No. 1 teaching method, so consciously tune up perseverance in your behavior.
Create a family motto when it comes to perseverance such as: “Winners never quit, quitters never win”, “We finish what we start,” or “The Smith’s don’t give up!” When you live by a family motto of commitment, your children will be more likely to use it when facing a challenge and less likely to quit.
4. Set a “No Quit Rule”
In all fairness to your kid, be clear from the beginning about the level of commitment you expect. Make sure she knows what she’s getting into, for how long (for the season, year) and understands that once she commits (to the team, instrument, project, class), there is no quitting barring exceptions like a broken bone or an abusive coach.
Many parents have their older kids sign a “Commitment Pledge,” and then hang it on the refrigerator so she understands that throwing in the towel to those activities you’ve designated as “non-negotiaables” are not an option
Research shows that kids who persist and excel recognize that success comes from hard work and practice, not luck or money or genetics. In fact, if kids believe that performance is due to effort, they will be less likely to give up and will work harder when the going gets tough.
Use real examples — folks such as Jerry Rice, Pele, Vanessa and Serena Williams, Tiger Woods and Lance Armstrong — who reached the top because of hours and hours of practice.
Teach your kid the 10,000-Hour Rule: “Did you know that studies found that the best artists, musicians, swimmers and skaters practiced at least 10,000 hours, or ten years, to reach their success? Success is all a matter of how hard you work.”
Carol Dweck’sresearch from Columbia University finds that the kind of words we say can stretch or snap our children’s perseverance. The key is to emphasize your child’s effort and work and not the end product (like their grade, score or their abilities).
Praise when your child earns the recognition, but focus on their effort when he or she experiences success.
Instead of: “What was your grade?” Say:“You’re working so hard!”
Instead of: “You’re so smart!” Say: You’re improving because you’re putting in so much effort.”
Instead of: “How many goals did you get?” Say: “Keep at it! All that practice, is going to pay off!”
If Your Child Wants to Quit
An estimated 83 percent of kids aged six to 17 are involved in some kind of extracurricular activity, so sooner or later most parents will be faced with a child wanting to quit something. And do know that little kids need to experiment with different activities so they can figure out what they like (so don’t call that quitting.. reframe it as “You’re trying…”) Here’s how to decide:
1. Don’t give in too quickly
While letting your kid quit may seem easier, beware. It may teach him it’s OK to quit or take the easy way out. If you let your child quit too quickly, he’ll never have the chance to experience success. (And weathering a bit of disappointment can actually help kids.) Here are some techniques to try depending on the child’s age and situation.
Try to postpone quitting: Encourage your kid to keep at it (at least a bit longer).
Negotiate: “Stick with the cello until the end of the year, and you can be on soccer team this summer.”
Put it on her shoulders: “You go talk to the coach and ask what you can do to get more playing time.” “Set up an appointment with the orchestra director and ask what why you didn’t get first chair and what you can do to improve.”
Refuse without guilt: “Sorry, that was your commitment, you’re stuck with it.”
2. Hear your kid out
If your child’s “quitting behavior” is brand new or is escalating, then ask your child what’s really going on. Try to understand his quitting motive: “You were really jazzed when you signed up. What changed?” “What do you need to make it work?” “Would you like to continue, but with a different teacher or team?”
3. Look for a solution
Might there be a simple way to get him over the slump?Talk to the teacher or coach to get their take. Watch from the sidelines to see if your kid’s complaints of unfair treatment are legit. Your goal is to figure out what’s really going on, and whether there is something you can do to help your child hang in there and get over the slump. Here are four common problems, and solutions:
Task or placement too advanced is too difficult; too much pressure to perform. Solution: Take your expectations down a notch; switch the class or team to one that is not quite as accelerated.
Overscheduled. no down time or time to relax or be with friends. Solution: Free up time, drop one thing in that schedule. The top reason tweens want to quit is because the practice is taking up time away from friends. If that’s the issue, find ways to schedule in “friend time” and even have your tween practice with the other kids.
Environment or teacher isn’t supportive; too harsh or punitive. Solution: Change the teacher or mentor; switch the team if needed. Research on talented kids (who remained talented) found that the early teacher was essential. She was usually the “Aunt Bee” type – warm, patient and ignited in the child “You can do it!” Find that teacher!
Hasn’t experienced success yet, but it’s only been a short while. Solution: Get some help. Get a tutor to help him with the math class. Hire a high school student to throw him extra pitches. The key to success is practice, practice, practice…but that also means your child needs to be doing the “right kind of purposeful practice” so he sees improvement.
How to Decide Whether to Quit
You’ll need to weigh which lesson is more important: Helping your child learn to stick it out, or the realization that some activities just aren’t the right match. And you’ll need to decide on a case-by-case situation. Here are five factors to help you decide:
Stress. Is it stressful enough to cause concerning behavioral changes in your child?
Joylessness. Is it mostly cheerless for the child? Has he stuck with the task for the required amount of time and just lost interest? Then it’s time to move on.
Beyond abilities. Despite his efforts, the activity is too difficult for his current abilities.
Poor coach or mentor. Not a good match for your child, yells too much, far too competitive, turns your kid off to the task, pushes “win at any cost,” unfair, not knowledgeable or offers poor advice, overall more harmful than helpful.
Gave it his best shot. Your child tried his hardest but things aren’t improving.
Then it’s time to MOVE ON! Don’t dwell, just move on! And let that be a lesson for your child as well, “Some things just aren’t the right match.”
Worry If There’s a Quitting Pattern
Every kid wants to give up now and then. Especially from ages 3 to 6, it may not mean much. Be concerned when bailing out becomes a pattern with your older kid. Watch for these signs which could mean something else is going on and you should dig deeper:
Unwilling to try a task or stick with it, fearing failure or making a mistake
Easily discouraged, upset or quick to anger when facing setbacks
Needs encouragement or the promise of a reward to complete a task
Relies on someone else to complete a task
Defensive or blames errors on others
Cheats, cuts corners, or makes excuses to not do the task
Gives up as the easy way out instead of really confronting the problem
Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect,The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba.
Recognizing Good Stress
From Jeff Kluever, director of programs and administration
There are many, many things I don’t like about social distancing, not the least of which are video meetings and calls. I don’t even like doing video calls with my two nieces, mostly because they are far more interested in playing with the various filters that add cat ears to my head, than talking to me. But the same is true for work calls and meetings. I would much rather meet in person.
I’m a teacher. I’m at my best when I am with my audience, looking them in the eye, reading their body language, facilitating conversation and dialogue, and connecting on a personal level. I want to be in a room, with a group, doing the hard work together.
So you can understand why I say that transitioning some of my work from in-person delivery to online delivery in response to social distancing is, in the words of my 9-year-old niece, “not my favorite.” Presentations that I could deliver with relative ease in person are now posing significant challenges as I think about how to deliver them online. How do I demonstrate interactive activities online? How can I facilitate conversation when I can only see four heads on the screen? Whose dog is barking in the background and why doesn’t that person know how to mute their mic? Changing to online delivery is causing me stress.
But – if I’m being honest, learning how to do online program delivery is actually good stress, not bad stress. Good stress is stress that challenges us, motivates us, takes us outside our comfort zone and asks us to do something new or different, which is exactly what is happening to me as I learn to do online workshops.
Let me be clear, good stress does not mean that I wanted that stress. I don’t want to learn how to do good online training. I don’t want to research which software programs give me the features needed to do my work. I would be much happier if I didn’t have to think about online workshops at all. But, at the end of the day, this challenge, this stress is making me a better teacher. (If its possible to type something begrudgingly, I definitely typed “this stress is making me a better teacher” begrudgingly). Whatever the future holds, I will have new skills, new tools in my teaching toolkit because I had this stress in my life.
So here’s the challenge:
Recognize what is good stress in your life. What challenge are you currently facing that is making you better (whether you like it or not)?
Focus on the positive outcome of overcoming that challenge, rather than wishing the stress away. What will you be able to do better or differently because of this good stress?
Hard as it may be, be grateful for the opportunity to get better.
