Living the Golden Rule

** Frank Sonnenbeg has been a longtime friend of The Ray Center and CHARACTER COUNTS!. We’re proud to share an excerpt from his new book, The Path to a Meaningful Life. Enjoy! **

Everyone knows the Golden Rule. In fact, numerous religions espouse it, the most familiar version being, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The question is, if most people know, and agree, with the principle, why don’t more folks live by that standard? Do you abide by the Golden Rule?

When you do nothing, nothing happens.

If you truly want to live by this principle, the first place to start is to understand its true meaning and how to apply it effectively.

First, the Golden Rule should say, “Do unto others as THEY want to be treated” rather than “how YOU want to be treated.” Otherwise, you’re imposing your preferences and values unto others.

Second, be empathetic. Don’t assume you know what people need; you’re not a mind reader. Everyone is unique; treat people according to their individual needs and desires.

How to Live by the Golden Rule

There are many ways to incorporate the precepts of the Golden Rule into your daily life. Here are 30 examples:

See the good in people. Make people feel special.

Be the first to give. Give for the right reason — and that is, give for no reason at all.

Play by the rules. Don’t cut in line. Wait your turn.

Listen to others. Communicate. Don’t just take turns talking.

Be unbiased. Never judge someone you don’t know.

Keep an open mind. Search for the truth by listening to opposing arguments and letting others challenge your views and opinions.

Give people a chance. As you climb the ladder of success, reach down and pull others along with you.

Make every collaboration win-win. Never win at the expense of a relationship.

Be selfless. Put others’ needs ahead of your own.

Tell it like it is. Don’t say anything behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t say to their face.

Stop criticizing. Constructive feedback is helpful; criticism is hurtful and damaging.

Set the bar high. Be tough but fair. Don’t demand things of others that you’re unwilling to do yourself.

Work hard. Pull your weight rather than weigh down the team.

Have a heart. Stand up for those who are less fortunate.

Be tolerant. Don’t force your views on others. You can’t expect others to abandon their values any more than you would forsake your own.

Give with an open hand. Give with no strings attached.

Be available. Be a good friend in good times and bad.

Be informed. Listen to both sides of a debate before forming your opinion.

Build trusting relationships. Earn respect rather than demanding it.

Be compassionate. Help people get back on their feet. But don’t make them dependent on your good graces.

Be even-handed. Consider whether fairness would still apply if the tables were turned.

Forgive and forget. Let it go. Seeking retaliation rather than forgiveness traps you in the anger.

Share the credit. Deflect recognition rather than hoarding it.

Hold out hope. Lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on.

Accept “no” for an answer. Respect people’s priorities rather than making everything about you.

Be willing to sacrifice. Raise your own hand rather than volunteering others.

Offer your unconditional love. Accept people for who they are, not for who you want them to be.

Earn your keep. You don’t get what you want; you get what you deserve.

Give up control. Put your faith in people rather than micromanaging them.

Be grateful. Show your appreciation and never take anything for granted.

The Golden Rule — Make It a Reality

The only thing required to live the Golden Rule is the will and desire to shift your focus from yourself to others — selfish to selfless. In doing so, it’s not only beneficial to others, it’ll benefit you in ways you’d never imagine. But a good intention is like an idea that you keep to yourself. If you don’t do something with it, it’s like it never existed.

The Golden Rule is not just a nicety; it’s a way of life.

Make the effort today, and then again tomorrow. As Edwin Markham, the American poet, said, “We have committed the Golden Rule to memory; let us now commit it to life.” The fact is, success is a game of inches. When you do something well day in, and day out, the cumulative impact is huge. Before you know it, you’re living the Golden Rule.

Excerpted from The Path to a Meaningful Life by Frank Sonnenberg.

Frank Sonnenberg is an award-winning author and a well-known advocate for moral character, personal values, and personal responsibility. He has written nine books and has been named one of “America’s Top 100 Thought Leaders” and one of “America’s Most Influential Small Business Experts.” Frank has served on several boards and has consulted to some of the largest and most respected companies in the world. Frank’s newest book, The Path to a Meaningful Life, was released June 14, 2022.

Additionally, his blog — FrankSonnenbergOnline — has attracted millions of readers on the Internet. It was recently named one of the “Top Self-Improvement and Personal Development Blogs” in the world, and it continues to be named among the “Best 21st Century Leadership Blogs,” the “Top 100 Socially-Shared Leadership Blogs,” and the “Best Inspirational Blogs On the Planet.”



Move Beyond Stereotypes (Grades 6-12)

character counts - move beyond stereotypes

Overview: 

This lesson explores the stories of real people to help students learn how to move beyond stereotypes. They’ll learn how accepting others’ authentic and unique selves demonstrates respect and fairness. 

Character Education Objectives: 

Students will:

  • how sharing our individual stories with the world helps break down unfair stereotypes. 
  • explore Human Library stories. 
  • reflect on their experiences with the Human Library story.

Materials:

Opening Discussion:

  • “Stereotypes lose their power when the world is found to be more complex than the stereotype would suggest. When we learn that individuals do not fit the group stereotype, then it begins to fall apart.” – Ed Koch
    • Ask students what this quote means to them?
  • Share some stereotypes (teens, elderly, rich, poor). Then, ask about a stereotype students have (or used to have) about a group or individual.

Instruction and Activity:

  • Teach students about Human Library projects. It is a collection of real-life human stories you can “check out.” These stories aim to break stereotypes. In addition, they help people embrace fairness and togetherness through our differences. 
  • Ask students to explore the Human Library to learn more about others. Most importantly, suggest choosing individuals whom they may normally stereotype.

Discussion:

  • Why did you select that particular human library book?
  • What did you learn about someone else today?
    • Why did learning about someone’s story impact any stereotypes you have or had?
    • How does getting to know someone else’s story make you a more connected citizen?
    • Describe how hearing someone else’s journey impacts your own story.

Reflection:

  • What did you learn about yourself today?
  • How did what you learn today help you move beyond stereotypes?


Making Assumptions and Respecting Others (Grades 6-12)

Overview: This lesson focuses on the importance of respecting the differences of others, the impact of making assumptions about others, and how respecting each other’s differences can make relationships stronger.

Character Education Objectives:

Students will: 

  • watch a video about respecting the differences of others,
  • discuss how to recognize and respect each other’s differences,
  • reflect on experiences when they made assumptions,
  • reflect on how making assumptions impacts our ability to respect differences

Materials:

Opening Reflection: 

  • “We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as we are” – Andy Stanley
    • What does this quote mean? 
    • How do our assumptions impact the way we treat others?
    • How do our assumptions affect relationships?

Watch Video:

Discussion:

  • How were these two different from each other? You? Me?
  • How did their differences impact their relationship in the beginning?
  • What did they learn about one another’s differences?
  • How can changing your perception help you to respect differences?
  • In what ways can you show someone that you respect their differences?
  • How can respecting someone’s differences help you develop stronger relationships?

Reflection

  • Write about a time when you made an assumption about someone. Describe how you discovered that your perception of them was wrong once you got to know them.


Our Differences Make Us Stronger (Grades K-5)

Character lesson - differences make us stronger

Overview: Our differences are our greatest strengths. Learning about what we have in common gives us a sense of belonging, but embracing and respecting our differences makes us a stronger community. 

Objectives:

Students will: 

  • explore the similarities and differences of their classmates.
  • discuss what it means to recognize and respect each other’s differences.
  • reflect on how it feels to be excluded for your differences. 

Materials needed:

  • Large sheets of paper—write 1, 2, 3, or 4 on each
  • Marker
  • One die with the 6 and 5 covered up
  • List of questions (see below)

Directions:

  1. Place one numbered sheet of paper in each corner of the room.
  2. Gather the group in the middle of the room and point out the four corners.
  3. Read a set of choices (use suggestions listed below or create your own) and ask students to go to the corner that best represents them. For example: “Which drink do you like the best? Go to corner 1 if you like soda the best, corner 2 for juice, corner 3 for milk, or corner 4 for water.”
  4. Once the students move to the corner that represents them, ask each corner to briefly discuss why they selected their answer.
  5. Ask a few students from different corners to share with the large group.
  6. After a brief discussion, roll the dice. The number it lands on is the “unlucky number.” Eliminate the students in that corner. If you need to move the game more quickly, use the dice to choose the “lucky number” and that corner stays.
  7. Keep playing until only a few participants are left. Play through at least two times.
  8. Following the activity, ask:
    • How did it feel to be with others who are just like you?
    • How does it feel when you are different than everyone else?
    • What can we do to show respect to those who are different than us?
    • How could our differences make us a stronger group?
    • What did it feel like when you were eliminated from the game because of your differences?

Question Suggestions:

  • Which music do you like best…rock, rap, country, or classical?
  • Which do you wear most often…tennis shoes, sandals, bare feet, or boots?
  • Which drink do you like the best…soda, juice, milk, or water?
  • Are you most like a…square, triangle, circle, or oval?
  • What type of movie do you like best…action, romance, comedy, or science fiction?
  • Where would you most like to go on vacation…the beach, mountains, an amusement park, or camping?
  • What color do you like best…green, purple, pink, or blue?

Adapted from Team-Building Activities for Every Group



Achieve and Avoid

Achieve and Avoid

Good communication requires us to respect each other. A tip for respectful respectful conversations is to consider:

  • what we want to achieve.
  • what we to avoid.
Achieve and Avoid

It is easy to focus too much on what we want to achieve in our conversations. For example, “I want to convince this person that I am right” or “I want to make this person realize that they are not considering all of the facts.” But, we should be putting the same focus on what we want to avoid during the conversation. We want to avoid insulting the other person, or even worse, ruining a relationship from a conversation gone wrong. 

Before a conversation, if we think about what we want to achieve, we could want to:

  • express our own opinion.
  • give examples of our perspective.

We want to avoid:

  • insulting the other person.
  • making someone else feel insignificant or disrespected.
Approaching with Respect and Tolerance

It is important to remember that showing someone respect doesn’t mean you are endorsing their beliefs. We don’t have to agree with another person to give them respect and accept that their beliefs are valid to them. 

Therefore, if we genuinely want to engage with someone who has different opinions, we need to approach them with respect and acceptance. A quick look at social media can show us that sometimes differences in opinion bring out criticism of people who think differently than we do. Criticism and judgment in those moments are precisely what we wanted to avoid. It will cause others to shut down communication and entrench them more deeply into their ideas and beliefs.

Your Next Conversation

Of course, we don’t always prepare for each conversation and think through what we want to achieve and what we want to avoid. But, if we practice being aware of what we want to achieve and avoid, we’ll get better at having respectful conversations that both people feel good about.



Disagreeing with Respect (Grades 6-12)

Overview:

This lesson focuses on disagreeing with respect.

Character Education Objectives:

Students will:

  • review a video about respecting others even when you disagree.
  • discuss what it means to respect others through disagreement.
  • reflect on their own level of respect during disagreements.

Materials:

Lesson:

Opening Reflection 

  • What does this quote teach you about disagreeing with respect? “Do not focus on being right, focus on getting it right. “

Review content (Whole Group) 

Whole Group Discussion 

  • What was your favorite take away from the video?
  • What are the differences between healthy and toxic disagreements?
  • How can you show respect even when you disagree?
  • What are some hot topics that people around you, on the news, or in the community disagree on?
  • What examples have you witnessed of people handling disagreements disrespectfully and respectfully?
    • Compare the outcomes and emotions in those disagreements.

Reflection

  • Think about the last disagreement you had and consider ways you showed respect or ways you could have modeled respect better. What is a strategy discussed today that you can try to remember for the next time you have a disagreement?

More



Respect and Teamwork (Grades K-5)

respect and teamwork

Overview:

Students will practice the skills necessary to show respect and teamwork through a group project to build a structure. Students will practice teamwork, giving helpful feedback, and patience.

Character Education Objectives:

Students will:

  • practice patience while being limited in their abilities during the challenge.
  • demonstrate effective teamwork by completing the structure together.
  • reflect on how feedback can change the outcome of the project.

Materials:

  • Materials to build a structure: pieces of wood, cardboard blocks, etc.
  • Sample structure should be built ahead of time and piles of exact same building materials laid out for each group.

Lesson:

  1. Divide students in groups of 2-4.
  2. Facilitator shows group the structure. Allow them to look at it for at least one minute.
  3. Give the instruction that each person will take a piece or pieces and must not touch any other pieces other than their own or the group will have to start over.
  4. Each person in the group takes a piece or pieces of building material.
  5. The group now duplicates the structure like the original.
  6. Give the group a set amount of time. If they need more time, negotiate for what they are willing to give up (talking, one arm behind back, etc).
  7. If groups are having trouble, take a time out and have them discuss how they are going to do it, then have them try again.

Discussion:

  • Discuss the process they used either by plan or by default.
  • Discuss what they heard while they were working, were people being encouraging or critical? How did that make them feel? Did they do anything to change the atmosphere?
  • Discuss patience. Is it hard or easy for them?
  • How does this activity reflect other things they have to do as a group or team?

More:



Respecting Differences (Grades K-5)

Overview:
Respecting differences means being accepting of others. To practice that skill, you need opportunities to learn about others and how they may be different than you. A great way to practice it and to learn about others is to play ice breaker games throughout the year. You’d be surprised how much you learn about even lifelong friends by doing some get-to-know-you activities.

Character Education Objectives:

Students will:

  • learn about the similarities and differences of their classmates.
  • practice tolerance and acceptance of differences.
  • reflect on how differences positively impact relationships.

Materials:

  • A balloon for each student
  • A slip of paper for each student

Lesson:

Large Group

  1. Give each student a balloon and slip of paper.
  2. Ask students to think about one question they would like to know about their classmates. You may need to give them some suggestions to help them start to think. They can ask things like “Do you have any pets?” “What holidays do you celebrate in your house?” or “What’s your favorite game?”.
  3. Students will put the piece of paper inside of the balloon.
  4. Depending on the age of your students, you may instruct them to blow up the balloons themselves or you may need to plan time for you to blow them all up.
  5. Put all the blown-up balloons in the center of your circle of students.
  6. Have students grab one balloon, avoiding their own balloon.
  7. One at a time, students will pop their balloon. Please note, you may also choose to have a teacher pinch the tie and cut a slit for the balloon to deflate if concerned about students and the loud pop. Have the students retrieve the question. The student will answer the question inside of their balloon. 
  8. Go around the circle until every student has had the opportunity to answer a question.

Journal

  • What are two new things you learned about your classmates? 
  • Did some of your classmates answer as you would? How about different than you?
  • Why is having differences from your friends a good thing?
  • What can you do to show others that you are respecting differences between you?


Respect Yourself (Grades 6-12)

Overview: When you respect yourself and think positively about your body, mind, skills, and situation, you can build happiness in your heart. This lesson will focus on ways to show respect to yourself, others, and your surroundings by being grateful for who you are and what you have.

Character Education Objectives:

Students will:

  • journal about three things they are grateful for each day.
  • discuss and practice respect for their brain and body by journaling and meditating.

Materials:

  • Composition notebooks or online word document set up for journaling 

Lesson Plan:

Journal (5 mins) 

  • List three things you are grateful for.
    • What is the thing you are grateful for?
    • Why are you grateful for it?
    • How does it make you feel?

Whole Group (5 mins) 

  • Utilize the Calm, Headspace, or Insight Timer app to do 10 minutes of meditation. 
    • Use guided meditation or videos with soft music (YouTube) .
  • Practice deep breathing techniques.
  • Stretch or do yoga for five minutes to clear their heads and body of tension and stress.

Think, Pair, Share (5 mins) 

  • Share something you are grateful for. 

Whole Group Discussion (5 mins) 

  • How does thinking positively show respect for your body and brain?

Individual (20 mins) 

  • Have students choose a relaxing activity.
    • Lego building
    • Play-doh 
    • Arts and crafts
    • Reading a book 


Conflict Resolution for Kids

From guest contributor Dr. Michele Borba

Arguing. Quarreling. Yelling. Door slamming. Crying. Hurt feelings. Sound familiar? Arguments are a big part of why kids can’t get along, and conflict (and conflict resolution) is also a part of life. One of the most essential skills you need to teach your child is how to handle conflicts so he can survive the social jungle and life. Learning how to deal with all those problems that crop up is a big part of growing up and an essential life skill.

The key point is that not only must your child learn conflict resolution, but do so in a peaceful, calm way so that all the kids involved feel like they’ve won. That’s called a win-win scenario and it’s the best way to reduce arguments and restore friendships. Doing so will not only dramatically boost your child’s friendship quotient, but also improve harmony on the home front. And wouldn’t that ever be a plus?

On a day-to-day basis, the problems our kids face are tough: prejudice, sibling conflict, academic and youth sport pressures, rejection by friends, cliques and gangs, bullying, trying to get along, as well as the frustrations of just growing up. These are issues we used to think only affected older kids; the fact is they are impacting our children at a younger and younger age. 

Although we can’t protect our kids from problems, frustrations, and heartaches, we can arm them with tools to better handle them. The more we help them learn to resolve conflicts peacefully, the greater the likelihood they’ll develop into more self-sufficient, and resourceful individuals able to deal with any issue—and do so without our guidance.

5 Steps to Help Kids Solve Conflicts Amicably

Use the following as a guide to help your kid minimize fighting and learn to solve problems peacefully. Each letter in the acronym, “STAND” represents one of the five steps in conflict resolution and helps kids recall the process. I developed S.T.A.N.D. when I was teaching special needs kids who had difficulty recalling information. It worked so well for them, I began to use it in my private practice with kids. The best news is that I have students coming back years later saying, “I’m still taking that STAND, Dr. Borba.” YES!!!!

Take a S.T.A.N.D. to Solve a Problem

S – Stop and calm down. Keep emotions in check.

T – Tell what’s bugging you. Listen to each side. Stick to facts!

A – Assess alternatives. Brainstorm your options.

N – Narrow the choices to “win-wins”

D – Decide on the best one that you both agree upon -and do it!

Remember, the best way to teach any skill is by “Showing” not “Telling.”  So model each step, and then rehearse it over and over until your child can do each step without you. Learning how to deal with problems in the comfort of your home is also the greatest place for kids to learn by trial and error. Keep reinforcing a realistic approach to help your kids solve problems until they can confidently do so on their own. Finally, make sure you are modeling how to solve problems. Kids watch their parents’ conflict styles and copy. 

Step 1. S = Stop and Calm Down

The first step to solving problems peacefully — or conflict resolution — is teaching kids how to calm down and tune into their feelings. The reason is simple: it’s impossible to think about how to solve a problem if you’re upset. Once in control, you can begin to rationally figure out why you’re upset and then find an answer to your dilemma.  So teach your kid to take a slow deep breath to calm down or walk away until he’s calm. If emotions are high amongst the two kids, do intervene: “I see two angry kids who need to calm down so they can figure out how to solve their problem.”  Tip: You might need to separate the kids until their anger is under control.

Step 2. T = Take Turns Telling What the Problem Is

The trick in this second step in conflict resolution is to teach and then enforce these two critical rules:

  • No put downs or name-calling: You must listen to each other respectfully. (And that takes time!)
  • No interrupting: Each person gets a chance to talk. You might ask each kid to say what happened, summarize each view, and then end with, “What can you do now to solve this problem?” Make suggestions only when your kids really seem stuck.

Three Tips: 

1. One trick: Tell kids to start their explanations with the word  “I” instead of  “You” then describe the problem and how they want it resolved. Doing so helps the speaker focus on the conflict without putting the other kid down. For instance:  “I’m ticked because you never give me a turn. I want to use the computer, too.”

2. If emotions are high, give kids the option of writing or drawing their view of the problem instead of saying it to each other. It’s particularly helpful for younger or less verbal kids. 

3. The goal should be to help each kid try and feel what it’s like to be in the other kid’s shoes. One way to do this is by having each kid put into their own words what the other kid has told them.

Step 3. A = List the Alternatives to Resolving It

Next, kids need to think of alternatives so they have more ways to achieve conflict resolution. Whether your child is a preschooler or an adolescent, the basic rules of thinking of solutions (or brainstorming — or “storming your brain for ideas”)  are the same:

Brainstorming Rules for Kids

  • Say the first thing that pops into your mind-every idea counts.
  • Don’t put down anyone else’s ideas.
  • Change or add onto anyone’s idea.
  • Try to come up with ideas that work for both sides.

Don’t offer your help unless kids really seem stuck! The only way they will develop the confidence to figure things out alone is if you let them.  To keep kids focused, say they must come up with five (or two or three for younger kids) different solutions before you return. Then leave for a few minutes. Stretch the time depending on the children’s age and problem-solving skills.

Teach Little Ones to Use a “Hand Pocket Solver”

A fun idea for younger kids is to teach them to use a “Hand Pocket Problem Solver” (aka their hand!) Hold their hand in yours and go through problem-solving steps. You will have to do this a dozen times but it will kick in!

Thumb:  Say what’s bugging you (the problem)
Pointer, Middle Man, Ring Man: Name 3 ways to solve it (ANYTHING!)
Pinkie: Name the best choice.

Step 4. N = Narrow Choices

Narrow the options down to a few choices. Hint: You will have to go through this a few times but the process is so important. These are the steps that teach decision-making — the same steps your tween or teen will need later to make good, wise, and safe choices alone. 

Here are  two rules to help kids get closer to resolving the problem:

  • Rule 1: Eliminate solutions that are unacceptable to either kid because they don’t satisfy their needs.
  • Rule 2. Eliminate any solutions that aren’t safe or wise (or against our home rules).

Step 5. D = Decide the Best Choice and Do It!

The final step helps kids learn how to make the best decision by thinking through the consequences of their choices.  You can teach kids to think about the consequence of their remaining choices by asking: “What might happen if you tried that?”

Another way to help kids decide on the best choice is by helping them weigh the pros and cons of each remaining possibility: 

  • “What are all the good and bad things that might happen if you chose that?” 
  • “What is the one last change that would make this work better for both of us.”

Once they decide, the two kids shake on the agreement or take turns saying, “I agree.” And then they must stick to that agreement. Yes, it will take time — so keep on. Remember, your real goal is to help your kids learn to act right and make safe, wise choices without you. So keep guiding your kids until they can do the steps– and then step back so they will. 

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist, and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on Twitter @MicheleBorba.

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