It’s easy to get caught up in the stress of everyday life. Here’s a few tips to keep a positive mindset.

1. Be Grateful – at some point during your day (perhaps at dinner) ask each member of your family to say three things that they are grateful for today. Ask them to make their answers specific to today. For example, saying “I’m grateful for my family,” isn’t specific to today. Saying, “I’m grateful that I have a dad who read with me today,” is specific.
2. Journaling – ask your child to spend five minutes journaling about something they are thankful for from that day. Journaling about a positive experience allows us to relive the experience, which helps us build a positive mindset (while also working on writing skills).
3. Exercise – studies show that exercise helps our brains feel more positive.
4. Meditation – simple meditation exercises help our brains de-clutter and focus. Apps like Headspace can help you get started with meditation.
5. Random Acts of Kindness – we can always do nice things for others – either in our family or community.
6. Connection– reach out to friends and family via text, phone, video chat, or even old-fashioned letters.

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From our guest contributor, Dr. Michele Borba

Studies show that active bystanders can do far more than just watch. In fact, student bystanders may be our last, best hope in reducing bullying. 

Active student bystanders can:

• Reduce the audience that a bully craves
• Mobilize the compassion of witnesses to step in and stop the bullying
• Support the victim and reduce the trauma
• Be a positive influence in curbing a bullying episode
• Encourage other students to support a school climate of caring
• Report a bullying incident since 85 percent of time bullying occurs an adult is not present. Students are usually the witnesses

When bystanders intervene correctly, studies find they can cut bullying more than half the time and within 10 seconds. [Pepler and Craig]

Borba’s Six “Be a Bully B.U.S.T.E.R.” Skills 

There are parameters to activate student bystanders, so get educated! Here are a few facts to ensure success:

• To ensure success you must first mobilize students to be active bystanders.
• You must give students permission to step in.
• You must also teach specific strategies so they can step in.
• Each strategy must be rehearsed or role-played, until kids can use it alone. (I’ve had schools have students role-play these in assemblies, make them into chart-reminders that are posted around the school, and even have students create mini-videos of each strategy to share with peers).
• Not every strategy will work for every student, so you must provide a range of strategies.
• Ideally you must enlist your peer leaders – those students on the highest popularity tier who other students look up to – to mobilize other peers.
• Adults must be onboard with the approach and understand what bullying is and how to respond. Adults must listen to student reports on bullying and back students up. The biggest reason kids say they don’t report: “The adult didn’t listen or do anything to help.” Step up adults!

The best news is that child advocates and parents can teach kids these same bystander skills. Doing so empowers children with tools to stop cruelty, help victims, feel safer and reduce bullying. Here are the three steps:

STEP ONE: Teach Students Tattling vs. Reporting

Kids must realize that safety is always the primary goal, so stress to students:

“If someone could get hurt, REPORT!

“It’s always better to be safe than sorry.”

Teach students the crucial difference between “Tattling” and “Reporting” so they will know when they should step in because a child is bullied or when to step back and let two kids handle things for themselves because it’s just friendly teasing. Also identify specific trusted adults children can go to and report bullying incidents if they do identify bullying. Here is the crucial difference:

Tattling is when you trying to get kids IN trouble when they aren’t hurting themselves or other.

Reporting is when you’re trying to help keep kids OUT of trouble because they may get hurt (or they are). Report bullying to an adult you trust. If the adult doesn’t listen, keep reporting until you find an adult who does listen.

STEP TWO: Teach What Bullying Looks and Sounds Like

The next step is to teach students what bullying behaviors look like so they will know when they should step in and not when the behavior is mere teasing.

1. Explain 3 parts of bullying:

1. Bullying is a cruel or aggressive act that is done on purpose. The bully has more power (strength, status, or size) than the targeted child who cannot hold his own.

2. The hurtful bullying behavior is not an accident, but done on purpose.

3. The bully usually seems to enjoy seeing the victim in distress and rarely accepts responsibility and often says the target “deserved” the hurtful treatment.”

2. Teach: “Five Bullying Types”:  Depending on the child’s age, bullying can take on difference forms including and children need to know what those forms. Bullying can be:

1. Physical: Punching, hitting, slamming, socking, spitting, slapping;
2. Verbal: Saying put downs, nasty statements, name calling, taunting, racial slurs, or hurtful comments, threatening;
3. Emotional: Shunning, excluding, spreading rumors or mean gossip, ruining your reputation;
4. Electronic or cyber-bullying: Using the Internet, cell phone, camera, text messaging, photos to say mean or embarrassing things;
5. Sexual: Saying or doingthings that are lewd or disrespectful in a sexual way

3. Mobilize Student Compassion Students could make posters, power-point presentations, skits, or projects about bullying. The key is for students to understand the real definition of bullying. And they must know that the staff is serious about supporting them and will back them up and respond. 

4. Use Literature or Videos: You might also use literature or video clips to help students understand the definition of bullying. Here are a few literature favorites: Confessions of a Former Bully by Trudy Ludwig; Say Something by Peggy Moss Gardiner;  Teammates by Peter Golenbock; The Bully Blockers Club, by Teresa Bateman.

STEP THREE: Teach “Bully BUSTER Bystander” Skills

I teach the acronym BUSTER as a mnemonic to help kids remember the skills more easily. Each letter in the word represents one of the six bystander skills.

Not all strategies work for all kids. The trick is to match the techniques with what works best with the child’s temperament and comfort level and the particular situation. 

Don’t forget to ask students for their input and additional ideas. Their creativity never ceases to amaze me!

1. B-Befriend the Victim

Bystanders often don’t intervene because they don’t want to make things worse or assume the victim doesn’t want help. But research shows that if witnesses know a victim feels upset or wants help they are more likely to step in. Also, if a bystander befriends a victim, the act is more likely to get others to join the cause and stand up to the bully. A few ways bystanders can befriend victims:

• Show comfort: Stand closer to the victim.
• Wave other peers over: “Come help!”
• Ask if the victim wants support: “Do you need help?”
• Empathize: “I bet he feels sad.”
• Clarify feelings: “She looks upset.”

You can also encourage students to befriend a bullied after the episode. “That must have felt so bad.” “I’m with you. Sorry I didn’t speak out.” “That happened to me, too.” “Do you want me to help you find a teacher to talk to?” Though after the episode won’t reduce the bullying at the moment, it will help reduce the pain of both the targeted child and the witness. It may also help other children recognize there are safe ways to defend and support a targeted child.

2. U-Use a Distraction

The right diversion can draw peers from the scene, make them focus elsewhere, give the target a chance to get away, and may get the bully to move on. Remember, a bully wants an audience, so bystanders can reduce it with a distraction. 

One of the best distractions I’ve ever seen was a teen who saw bullying but did not fee safe stepping in to help (and most children as well as adults do not). So he got crafty. He unzipped his backpack and then walked nearby the scene and threw the backpack to the ground. Of course, he made it appear as though it was an accident, but it was a deliberate and brilliant act. “Oh no,” he said. “All my stuff is on the ground and the bell is going to ring. My grade will get dinged. Can anyone help?” And the teen drew the audience from the bully to help him pick up his papers. The target also had a chance to sneak to safety. 

Ploys include:

• Ask a question: “What are you all doing here?”
• Use diversion: “There’s a great volleyball game going on! Come on!”
• Make up false excuse to disperse a crowd: “A teacher is coming!”
• Feigning interruption: “I can’t find my bus.”

3. S-Speak Out and Stand Up!

Speaking out can get others to lend a hand and join you. You must stay cool, and never boo, clap, laugh, or insult, which could egg the bully on even more. Students also must learn how to assert themselves and say that speaking up to a bully is the hardest of the six Bully Buster Strategies. The students in the photo are learning my “CALM Approach” when speaking up to a bully. Best yet, older students are teaching the skill to younger students. Stress that directly confronting a bully is intimidating and it’s a rare kid who can, but there are ways to still stand up to cruelty. Here are a few possibilities:

• Show disapproval: Give a cold, silent stare.
• Name it: “That’s bullying!”
• Label it: “That’s mean!”
• State disapproval: “This isn’t cool!” “Don’t do that!” “Cut it out!”
• Ask for support: “Are you with me?”

4. T-Tell or Text For Help

Bystanders often don’t report bullying for fear of retaliation, so make sure they know which adults will support them, and ensure confidentiality. You must give students the option of anonymous reporting. An active bystander could:

• Find an adult you trust to tell. Keep going until you find someone who believes you
• Call for help from your cell.
• Send a text to someone who can get help. Many schools now have a text service. 
• Call 911 if someone could be injured.

5. E-Exit Alone or With Others

Stress that bullies love audiences. Bystanders can drain a bully’s power by reducing the group size a few ways. Students bystanders could:

• Encourage: “You coming?”
• Ask: “What are you all doing here?”
• Direct: “Let’s go!”
• Suggest: “Let’s leave.”
• Exit: If you can’t get others to leave with you, then walk away. If you stay, you’re part of the cruelty. Leaving means you refuse to be part. Just quietly leave the scene.

6. R-Give a Reason or Offer a Remedy

Research finds that bystanders are more likely to help when told why the action is wrong or what to do. Students could:

• Review why it’s wrong: “This isn’t right!” “This is mean!” “You’ll get suspended.” “You’ll hurt him.”
• Offer a remedy: “Go get help!” “Let’s work this out with Coach.”

Final Thoughts 

The right comments and behaviors can make peers stop, think, consider the consequences, and even move on. Those seconds are crucial and enough to stop the bullying or mobilize other students to step in and help. 

Bystanders can make a difference. They can be mobilized to step in and reduce bullying-that is if they are taught how. 

But it’s up to adults to show students safe ways to do so, help them practice those strategies so they are comfortable using them in the real world, and then support and believe them and acknowledge their courageous efforts.

Hundreds of students today skipped school because of peer intimidation and bullying. It’s time to rethink our strategies and teach bystanders how to step in safely and speak out against peer cruelty.

For specific ways educators can create a caring, inclusive schools refer to my book, End Peer Cruelty, Build Empathy: The Proven 6Rs of Bullying Prevention That Create Inclusive, Safe and Caring Schools (from Free Spirit Press,on sale in February 2018.

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect,The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba.

Learn more about character education.

Here’s to raising a generation of strong, resilient, caring kids!

 

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect,The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba.

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The wind and the sun
An Aesop fable

The wind and the sun argued one day over which one was the stronger. Spotting a man man traveling on the road, they sported a challenge to see which one could remove the coat from the man’s back the quickest.

The wind began. He blew strong gusts of air, so strong that the man could barely walk against them. But the man clutched his coat tight against him. The wind blew harder and longer, and the harder the wind blew, the tighter the man held his coat against him. The wind blew until he was exhausted, but he could not remove the coat from the man’s back.

It was now the sun’s turn. He gently sent his beams upon the traveler. The sun did very little, but quietly shone upon his head and back until the man became so warm that he took off his coat and headed for the nearest shade tree.

Moral: Gentle persuasion is stronger than force.

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The dog at the well
Author Unknown

A dog and her pups lived on a farm with a well nearby. The mother dog told the pups not to go near the well or play around it. One of the pups wondered why they shouldn’t go to the well and decided to explore. He went to the well, climbed up the wall, and peeked inside.

In there, he saw his reflection and thought it was another dog. The pup saw that the other dog in the well (his reflection) was doing whatever he was doing, and got angry for imitating him. He decided to fight with the dog and jumped into the well, only to find no dog there. He barked and barked and swam until the farmer came and rescued him. The pup had learned his lesson.

Moral: Always listen to the advice given to you by your parents, and do not ignore them.

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Look twice
Author Unknown

Once upon a time, there lived two frogs in a marsh and they were very happy there.

However, as the hot summer approached the marsh began to dry up. The frogs decided to leave and look for another place for themselves and discovered a deep well. They sat on the edge of the well and peered inside. The well was full with cool water.

One of the frogs was overjoyed to see the water and said, “This well looks like a nice place for us to live. It will be cool and safe inside. Let’s jump in!”

The other frog was wise and replied, “Not so soon, my friend! We left the marsh when it had dried up. So, think about how we will be able to get out of the well if it dries up.”

The first frog was speechless and realized that one must think before taking a step.

Moral: Think twice before you act. You may save yourself from trouble. 

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From our guest contributor, Michele Borba. 

Be an example of bouncing back. The first step is the most important: model to your children how you bounce back. My girlscout leader years ago, Mrs. Flora Cox, was an expert. Before she started a task she wasn’t sure she could do (such as lighting a fire with sticks or setting up a tent) she’d always say, “I’m not stopping until I succeed.” And she made sure we overheard her. We soon found ourselves copying her words. I now realize she intentionally made a few mistakes, but did so to show us she wouldn’t give up. Her example was lasting. So take a pledge to show your children how you won’t give up at the first signs of difficulty.

Set realistic expectations. A critical part of bouncing back is making sure your expectations are ones each child is capable of achieving. Look for ways to stretch your children’s confidence and abilities, but never to a point where it snaps their spirit. It’s a fine line, so make sure you’re on the right path. These questions help you assess if your expectations are realistic:

• Is it reasonable or am I expecting too much?
• Does he have the skills and knowledge to achieve my expectation?
• Is it what she wants or I want for myself?
• Am I conveying that I believe he’s capable?

Start a “bounce back!” motto. Develop a family motto to remind your children not to let mistakes get them down. A mother told me she spent one Saturday morning brainstorming mottoes with her family such as “Mistakes Don’t Get Us Down!” “The Family that Doesn’t Quit,” and “We Don’t Give Up!” The girls then selected one and created a poster to remind them. Each child then cross-stitched the motto onto a cloth square, sewed it into a pillow, and put it on their bed to remember.

Create a “Stick to It” award. Ask your children to find a thick stick on a hike at least the length of a ruler. Print “Stick to It Award” across the stick with a black marking pen. Explain that it means “hanging in there and not giving up until you finish what you started.” Then tell your family to be on alert the next few weeks for other family members showing special “stick-to-itness” and report them to you. Each evening announce the names, and print their initials on the stick. Make sure to tell the recipients what they did to deserve the award. You might even set a contest to see how long it takes to fill the stick with your children’s initials.

Help children see mistakes as opportunities. I watched a teacher give a piece of rug yarn to each student on the first school day. She said, “This year you’ll be making lots of mistakes. That’s how you learn.” She explained that she wouldn’t be watching their mistakes, but instead to see if they learned from them. Each time they made a mistake-then bounced back-they were to tie a knot in the yarn. After each knot she’d ask them to explain what they learned from their mistake. Her technique helped her class recognize that mistakes can be a chance to start again, and it’s an essential part of learning to rebound. You might try the idea with your family.

Respond to errors noncritically. Many children cut short their opportunities to succeed because they give up when they make mistakes. So the next time your child errs, here are few ways to respond:

• Stay nonjudgmental and help him focus on what she’s trying to achieve. Calmly ask, “How did you want this to turn out?”

• Fight the temptation to say, “I told you so.” Instead try, “That’s interesting” or “That wasn’t what you had in mind, was it?”

• Don’t shame or ridicule. Nobody likes to make mistakes, and everybody hates to be reminded of making them.

• Help him learn from the mistake. A big part of bouncing back is learning from the error. Ask, “What did you learn?” or “What will you do differently next time?”

• Teach an affirmation to bounce back. Select a phrase such as: “It doesn’t have to be perfect,” “It’s OK to make mistakes,” or “Everybody makes mistakes,” then help her practice saying it to encourage herself to bounce back.

Offer support only when needed. No parent wants their children to suffer disappointments, and often our first instinct is to try to remedy their mistakes for them. Doing so deprives them of chances to find solutions and rebound from defeat. So offer help only when really needed, and convey confidence in their abilities to succeed. You might say, “I know you can do it. Hang in there.” Of course, when your son or daughter finds the task too difficult and quits, support them. Then help them recognize what they could do the next time so they do succeed.

The difference between successful and unsuccessful people often lies in how they view their mistakes. By using everyday moments you can help your children not only learn to rebound from mistakes, but also strengthen their self-confidence. And those are two critical lessons they’ll use the rest of their lives.

Dr. Michele Borba is an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 22 books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries and UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.

Check out: micheleborba.com or follow her on Twitter @micheleborba.

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From our guest contributor, Michael Josephson. 

There’s no doubt about it: Trust is an asset to any relationship and distrust an enormous liability. But thinking of trust in terms of its practical value can demean and distort its true significance as an endorsement of our character and as a sign of our worthiness. I get my clearest vote of trust when I stop to appreciate the ways my young daughters trust their daddy. Knowing that they have unquestioned confidence that I will always do the right thing is a source of pleasure and pride.

It is also a source of duty. The trust of our children is a gift we must never take for granted. Trust is fragile. Children trust us completely, until we prove ourselves unworthy. It’s a heavy responsibility to protect our kids from our own moral frailties, but I think I’m a better person because I treasure their trust so much. The glow of their faith in me lights the way and helps me to see traps and hazards that could embarrass them or damage their image of me — and frankly I can’t think of any gain worth that price.

In the play All My Sons by Arthur Miller, the father adores his son and the son idolizes his father, until he decides that the father did some shabby things in the past. As the son’s esteem is slipping away, the father says in a desperate plea, “Son, I’m no worse than anyone else.”

The son, with teary eyes, replies, “I know, Dad. But I thought you were better.”

There are other reasons to be ethical, but for those of us with children, there’s none stronger than the honor of earning their admiration.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Michael Josephson is an influential and internationally renowned champion of character education for youth and ethical conduct in business, government, policing, journalism, sports, healthcare and law. He is credited by many as the person most responsible for reviving and professionalizing the character education in school and youth-serving organizations. In 1992, under the auspices of the Josephson Institute he created CHARACTER COUNTS!, the world’s most widely implemented character development initiative based on a common language of shared values – the Six Pillars of Character) and Pursuing Victory With Honor (1996), a companion program promoting ethics in sports.

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A glass of milk
Author Unknown

There was a poor boy who made a living by selling various objects from door to door. This was the way he earned money to pay for his school.

One day, as he was walking from house to house, he felt very hungry and weak. He felt that he couldn’t walk even a few steps. He decided to ask for food at a house. He knocked on the door and was stunned to see a beautiful young girl open the door. With hesitation, he asked the girl for a glass of water.

The young girl understood his condition and offered him a huge glass of milk. Astonished, the boy drank the milk slowly.

“How much do I owe you for this milk?” he asked her.

The girl replied, “I don’t want any money for this.”

The boy thanked the girl from the bottom of his heart and left.

Years passed by and the young girl grew up. Unfortunately, she fell ill and was diagnosed with the rarest kind of nervous disorder. Many experienced doctors were baffled at her condition, and she was admitted to the city hospital with the most advanced facilities.

Dr. Kevin was a renowned neuro specialist and was called in by the hospital to examine her. Even with his extraordinary expertise, Dr. Kevin found the girl’s illness very hard to cure. However, with perseverance and hard work that lasted several months, he was finally able to get the disease under control. With careful medication and monitoring, the girl was eventually cured.

Everyone praised the doctor, but the girl was quite worried about how much the hospital bill would come to. Her family only had a little money kept in the bank, which was by no means enough to pay for such a long treatment in the hospital.

Finally, the girl was given the hospital bill. She opened it and was stunned to see that the bill had been crossed out and cancelled with a note underneath signed by Dr. Kevin.

“Bill paid years ago with a glass of milk!”

Moral: One good deed deserves another.

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