From guest contributor Dr. Michele Borba

Kindness is often considered as a soft and fuzzy skill, but science shows surprising benefits to being nice, including boosting health, reducing anxiety, enhancing self-esteem, increasing gratitude, and even elevating happiness.

In fact, study after study shows that a simple act of kindness also activates empathy, and that’s why I named it as one of the nine essential empathy habits in my new book, UnSelfie. The more kids practice kindness-that is, without expecting gold stars, “Citizen of the Month” awards, trophies or monetary rewards-the likelier they’ll develop the skills to succeed in work and in life and acquire what I call, “The Empathy Advantage.”

An important point to remember is that while our kids are born with the potential for empathy, kindness, caring, charitableness, courtesy, generosity (and all those other glorious traits of humanity), they aren’t guaranteed. Researchers have discovered that a strong commonality of those kids who do acquire them is how they were raised. That means parents can be enormously influential in helping their kids be concerned about others needs by prioritizing caring, kindness and compassion in their homes.

It’s a slow, gradual evolution, but if you are consciously boosting those traits as a parent now, chances are much stronger you’ll have success and your child will develop those traits. We seem to have a lot of “gimme” kids these days and it’s because they’ve learned that their parents will oblige their every whim. (And materialism and self-centeredness are known reduce empathy and compassion). So don’t! Establish guidelines and stick to them. Such as?

Try this:
My girlfriend noticed her mother-in-law was overindulging her kids in material gifts and finally told her that was not the kind of kids she wanted to raise. She asked her to please reduce their number of presents and put the money instead in their college fund. And I can tell you that her children (now grown) are very kind-hearted, loving kids who are concerned about others .. not what they own.

The key is that the mom determined how she wanted her kids to turn out, and then consciously begin raising them that way. Instilling character and nurturing compassion involves intentional parenting. So gradually stretch your child to think about other people’s concerns and needs.

Here are four ideas that might help you raise a more caring, kind children and help them reap The Empathy Advantage:

1. Switch roles
The next time there’s a conflict between your child and a friend (or between you and your child) ask her to stop and think how the other person would feel if the roles were reversed. Then ask her to talk about the problem as if she were the other person:

 “What would the other person say?”

“How would you feel if you were the other person?”

“What do you think the friend would want to do?”

“If you were in your friend’s shoes, what would he/she want to tell you?”

If she is very young, it is helpful to use puppets so that each puppet can represent the person in the conflict. It builds empathy.

2. Call attention to insensitive behavior
Any time your child acts unkindly, use it as an opportunity to help him become more sensitive to the feelings of other people. Just point out the impact of her actions:

“Telling Bert to leave because you wanted to play with Sally was inconsiderate. How would you feel?”

“Not asking Daddy if he wanted to watch a TV show was unkind. How would you feel?”

3. Be an example of caring, kindness and generosity
Try to find natural ways to help her “give” to others, so she understands the joy giving can bring. Start by doing it yourself and having her watch and do it with you. Here are a couple of ideas:

“The neighbor is sick; let’s make an extra bowl of soup and bring it to her.”

“Daddy is so tired; let’s surprise him and stack the newspapers so he doesn’t have to.”

Make “giving” natural and fun but help your children learn to GIVE. And help them learn to do so without expecting anything in return.

4. Expect your child to share and consider others
This is one of the first moral behaviors we need to tune up in our kids starting at around 2 or 3 years of age. When he is two you can structure his sharing: “It’s his turn, then your turn, then his turn.” Little kids sometimes need an oven timer as a reminder that the other person should still be allowed to play with the toy. Before friends come over, structure “sharing” by asking him:

“What things will you share with your friend?”

“What do you think he would like to play?”

Put away things that are very special that may cause problems. What’s important on this one is to help your child learn to think of others’ needs and feelings.

The Reality Check here is that while our children are hard-wired to care, that capacity must be nurtured for it to develop. So be intentional about raising a caring child! And then keep finding those opportunities for your children to practice kindness until it becomes a part of their mind-set and your kids can describes themselves as “Caring People.”

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect,The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on Twitter @MicheleBorba.

Learn more about character education.

Whether working with professional colleagues on a work project, teammates on an athletic team, or classmates in school it is important to establish expectations for how the group is going to do its best work and what each person will do in order to ensure everyone in the group is treated with respect and care.

The same is true for families. In order to ensure that everyone in your family can do their best work and everyone is treated with respect and care, establish a Compact for Excellence using the directions below. A sample Compact is included to help get you started, but each family should tailor their Compact to the specific needs of their family.

1. Create a list of agreements for what your family must do in order to do your best work and treat each other well. Ask each family member to contribute to the list.
2. Once your list of agreements is complete, shape that list into simple, relevant statements.
3. Ask each family member if 1) they feel like any other agreements need to be added, 2) any agreement needs clarification, and 3) there is anything on the list they cannot or will not do.
4. Once all family members have agreed to the Compact, each person should sign the agreement and the Compact should be posted somewhere prominent in the household (like on the refrigerator).
5. Review the Compact every 1-2 weeks to praise what is going well, polish what could be better, and add or clarify anything as needed.

This activity is one of several extension activities in the Growth Mindset module of The ESSENTIALS, a new resource from CHARACTER COUNTS! for middle and high school students. The ESSENTIALS modules draw upon nearly 25 years of applied research and development in various K-16 education settings, the workplace, and diverse athletic environments. Each module is a blueprint of research-based best practices for developing an essential character and culture skill needed for success in school, work, and beyond. Click here to order these new resources for your students.

Learn more about character education.

From guest contributor Dr. Michele Borba

Though most teachers admit that there are some students they never forget, the same is true about parents.

I vividly remember a mother of one of my students all because of the way she conveyed respect to her child. She did so beautifully in how she listened. I watched her several times throughout the year on our field trips and in our class parties or just those times she’d wait at the door to pick him up. Each time Ricky would talk, she’d stop what she’d do, get down to eye level, look into her son’s eyes, and listen with genuine interest. She had this wonderful ability to block out everything–or at least make her child feel she was–and give her child her full presence. The time was brief – just a minute or so.

The mom’s words usually were nothing more than repeating back small tidbits of what he just said just to let him know she was hearing him. Occasionally she’d add, “Uh-huh,” or “Really?” She acknowledged him simply by saying how she thought he was feeling: “You seem so happy” or “Wow, you look proud.”

The effect on her son was dramatic: Ricky’s whole demeanor brightened when he realized his mom really heard what he had to say. I always wished I could have videotaped her listening skills to play back to other parents. The mom’s behaviors were so simple, but always conveyed respect to her child. That mom exemplified one of the most powerful, tried-and true character-building practices there is: “The best way to ensure that our kids are respectful is to treat them respectfully.”

It should come as no surprise that her child turned out to be one of my most respectful students. He also grew to become a respectful adult.

That’s because of this important principle: children learn respect best from witnessing and experiencing respect.

So Mom and Dad: Tune up respect in your own behavior. After all, it’s a racy, raunchy world out there. I fear what our kids are witnessing and experiencing disrespect.

Seven Simple Respect-Building Parenting Practices

Here are seven simple parenting practices that help children see themselves as valuable human beings. The practices work to instill respect in your child all because your actions let them know you love, respect, and value them. Your child is also witnessing and experiencing respect with these practices so he is more likely to adopt and use the virtue.

1. Treat your child as the most important person in the world.

Here is a simple question to ask yourself: “If I treated my friends the way I treat my child, how would my friends respond?” (Or would you have any friends left? Hmmmm) Beware: very often we say and do things to our children that our friends would never tolerate. 

If you want your children to feel valued, treat them as though they are the most important people in the world. One mom told me she asked herself the question so often it became a nighttime habit. It also helped her remember throughout the day to treat her children respectfully.

2. Give love with no strings attached. 

No child should have to earn our respect and love; it should be guaranteed with birth. Unconditional love is about loving your kids with no strings attached. It is the kind of love that says: “I’ll never stop loving you no matter what you do.” Of course, that doesn’t mean we’re going to necessarily approve all of our children’s behaviors. 

In some cases when our kids’ actions are inappropriate we may need to respond with clear and often passionate correction. But our kids know we’ll always be there for them-no matter what-and that’s the kind of love our kids need if they are to feel they are genuinely respected and valued. Make sure you give your child love that is unconditional and guaranteed, so no matter what he knows you love him.

3. Listen attentively and respectfully.

If there is one common finding from countless different studies it is that kids say they wish their parents would listen-really listen-to them. Attentive listening is a wonderful way to convey respect. 

When your child talks, stop everything and focus completely so that she feels you really value her opinions and want to hear her thoughts. Stop what you’re doing and give your child your full presence for the brief time. 

Hint: Adolescent boys are often threatened by eye contact, so try sitting side to side.

4. Communicate respect with your whole body, not just with your words.

Most of the time our kids aren’t listening to our words nearly as much as they are watching our posture, gestures, and facial expressions and hearing the tone of our voice. So make sure your whole body is communicating respect when you talk to your child.  You may say, “I want to hear your ideas,” but if your child sees you shrug your shoulders, raise your eye brows, smirk your mouth, or roll your eyes, he is likely to pick up a whole different meaning. 

I’ve yet to meet parents who want their kids to think they aren’t interested in their ideas or don’t respect their kids’ feelings. Yet those are the messages children pick up, all because of how parents react when their children talk.           

5. Build positive self-concepts.

Labeling children with such terms as shy, stubborn, hyper, or clumsy can diminish self-esteem and become daily reminders of unworthiness. They can also become self-fulfilling prophecies. 

Regardless of whether the labels are true or not, when children hear them they believe them. So only use labels that build positive self-concepts. One good rule to remember about labeling is this: “If the nickname is not respectful, it’s best not to use it.”

6. Tell them often why you love and cherish them. 

The more you show your child you love her, the more your child learns to value and love herself. So tell your child often that you love her, but also tell her what you love about her and express your gratitude that she is your child. 

“I love that you are so kind.” “I’m so glad I have the fortune of being your mom.” “I love you just the way you are.” “I respect the way you never give up.” 

Never assume that your child knows what feelings you hold in your heart about her. Tell her.

7. Enjoy being together.

One of the best ways to help a child feel respected is to let her know how much you enjoy being with her. Put your child at the top of your schedule and set aside relaxed times together during which you can really get to know who your child is. Only then will you be able to let her know why you value, love, and respect her so.

A quick quiz is to ask yourself which traits you respect in your child. Would your child be able to name those traits as well?

So now the real parenting test: Think back over the last few days. What have you done that helps your children see themselves as valuable human beings because your actions let them know you love, respect, and value them? Don’t forget that our simple day-to-day actions are often the most powerful ways to nurture respect in our children.

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect,The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba.

Learn more about character education.

We all make countless decisions every day. Should you wear a face mask while out in public?  Attend a social justice protest? Confront someone you disagree with?

Some of these decisions have relatively minor consequences (good or bad), while other decisions could have significant implications for us and others. A tool like the Character-in-Action Checklist (below) can help you navigate complicated choices and make the right decision.

When making a decision, ask yourself:

• Will my words and actions be honest, sincere, and reliable? 
• If the situation was reversed, is this how I would hope to be treated? 
• What are the consequences of my words and actions if I make this choice? 
• Is my decision fair to everyone involved in and affected by my actions? 
• Is my decision expressing compassion and kindness? 
• Would I want to live in a world where everyone makes this choice?

Not every decision will align with each of the Six Pillars of Character. They can come into conflict with each other and even themselves. For example, sometimes the right decision isn’t fair to everyone involved. However, by identifying that a decision may not be fair, you can address the issue, explain why you made the decision, and provide support to those who perceive the decision as unfair. Or, sometimes the right choice may be contrary to a previous commitment, thus not in alignment with the trustworthiness test. Knowing this can help you determine how to honor your word when your decision doesn’t allow you to keep your word.

We’re facing troubling times and we can all contribute to the greater good by making sound decisions that reflect our best selves.

Learn more about character education.

The horrific and wrongful death of George Floyd has brought the reality of racial injustice to the forefront of American mind’s and dialogue, leaving many to feel unsure how to enter these necessary and important conversations that can positively impact the situation.  There are a variety of ways for individuals to get involved, whether participating in a peaceful protest, donating to social justice causes, or being a vocal advocate for reform. How we engage with one another to make a positive difference is just as important as what we choose to do. In these moments, empathy can make our communication and actions more authentic and impactful.

• Empathy is active, not passive. Be supportive by actively reaching out to people who may need someone to listen. 
• Ask questions to learn what people are feeling and why they feel that way. The priority is understanding their experiences and emotions, not sharing your own. 
• Don’t try to fix other people’s emotions. Let them feel what they feel. Empathy doesn’t judge. 
• Empathy is about feeling with another person, not trying to find a bright side. Empathy doesn’t say “at least.” 
• Find and tap into shared human values. While you may not share the same life experiences, values like love and loss are universal. 

Try being empathetic in your upcoming conversations and take notice of how it affects the tone and outcome of your interactions.  As we practice empathy together, we can begin to work through the issues that divide us. Most importantly, we must have these conversations – in our homes, our schools, our workplaces, and our communities.

Learn more about character education.

We are living through challenging and turbulent times.  Americans are facing an international health pandemic, financial uncertainty, racial tensions, and civil unrest.  It can be easy to feel helpless – wondering what possible impact someone like me can have on such great problems?

We can start with what is within our control: our character.  Start by reflecting on the Six Pillars of Character (trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring and citizenship).  Think of the Six Pillars of Character as ‘I’ and ‘action.’ We can ask ourselves: what am I doing to act in a capacity worthy of trust, how am I demonstrating respect, am I being responsible for my actions and consequences of my choices, are my decisions fair and equitable to those that are impacted, am I demonstrating a caring heart, am I being a good citizen fulling my duties and responsibilities?

Values like the Six Pillars guide us through difficult times and the actions we take.  It is in these moments that we would do well to remember the words of Edward Everett Hale.

 “I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.” 

This is our challenge. What is the thing you can do? And not just today, but tomorrow, and next week, a year from now, and for the rest of your life because we know that there is always a way for us to get better, individually and collectively.

The issues that confront us are immense and it can be tempting to cave to feelings of inadequacy. But the fact remains, while you cannot do everything, you can do something. And remember, character counts in everything you do.

Learn more about character education.

From guest contributor Dr. Michele Borba

Teach your children to hang in there when the going gets tough, but know when to let them throw in the towel.  

Perseverance often makes the critical distinction between whether kids succeed or fail. Will they have the inner strength to keep on or be plagued by self-defeat, be unwilling to give it their best shot? Children who learn to bounce back and not let setbacksget them down have gained a valuable skill for life. If our children are to succeed in this competitive world, they must learn to hang in there and not quit.

The good news? Research shows parents can build “stick-to-it-ness” by adopting simple, proven strategies.

Tips for Nurturing Stick-to-itness

1. Find the right activity that fascinates your kid

Tune into your child and find his natural interests, passions or talents. If he loves drawing consider art lessons; if he enjoys listening to music, try piano or violin. Ask teachers or other adults for their input. The trick is to gauge your child’s interest in the sport, lesson, or activity – before you start.

Remember, the sport that fit your oldest kid may not be the right fit for your middle kid. What turns your kid on? Find the right match and you’ll ignite his passion!

2. Start with the right expectations

Parents who want their kids to stick with a task set the right expectations. Here are five factors to consider:

• Kid factor. Is what I’m expecting something my child is interested in or shows a talent for, or is it something I want more for myself? Who is pushing whom?
• Time factor. Does my child have enough time to devote to practicing? Don’t overload! Beware, many tweens want to quit if there isn’t enough time for friends. A University of Maryland study found that over the past 20 years the amount of time children ages nine to 12 spend participating in structured sports has increased by 35 percent.
• Challenge factor. Is my child developmentally ready for the tasks I’m expecting, or am I pushing him beyond his internal timetable? The best expectations are realistic but also gently stretch your child “one step more.”
• Teacher or coach factor. Is the coach or teacher skilled and tuned in to kids? Benjamin Bloom’s study of 120 immensely talented (and successful) individuals (in such fields as science, swimming, art and music) found that the first teacher was critical.

Worth it factor. Is this activity commitment worth the time, finances and energy for both my child and our family?

3. Be a good role model

Show your kids how you don’t give up on a task even when things get difficult. Before starting a new task, make sure your child overhears you say, “I’m going to persevere, until I am successful.” Modeling the trait is always the No. 1 teaching method, so consciously tune up perseverance in your behavior.

Create a family motto when it comes to perseverance such as: “Winners never quit, quitters never win”, “We finish what we start,” or “The Smith’s don’t give up!” When you live by a family motto of commitment, your children will be more likely to use it when facing a challenge and less likely to quit.

4. Set a “No Quit Rule” 

In all fairness to your kid, be clear from the beginning about the level of commitment you expect. Make sure she knows what she’s getting into, for how long (for the season, year) and understands that once she commits (to the team, instrument, project, class), there is no quitting barring exceptions like a broken bone or an abusive coach.

Many parents have their older kids sign a “Commitment Pledge,” and then hang it on the refrigerator so she understands that throwing in the towel to those activities you’ve designated as “non-negotiaables” are not an option

5. Instill a “Growth Mindset”

Research shows that kids who persist and excel recognize that success comes from hard work and practice, not luck or money or genetics. In fact, if kids believe that performance is due to effort, they will be less likely to give up and will work harder when the going gets tough.

Use real examples — folks such as Jerry Rice, Pele, Vanessa and Serena Williams, Tiger Woods and Lance Armstrong — who reached the top because of hours and hours of practice.

Teach your kid the 10,000-Hour Rule: “Did you know that studies found that the best artists, musicians, swimmers and skaters practiced at least 10,000 hours, or ten years, to reach their success? Success is all a matter of how hard you work.”

6. Praise effort

Praising effort stretches perseverance; praising ability squelches

Carol Dweck’sresearch from Columbia University finds that the kind of words we say can stretch or snap our children’s perseverance. The key is to emphasize your child’s effort and work and not the end product (like their grade, score or their abilities).

Praise when your child earns the recognition, but focus on their effort when he or she experiences success.

• Instead of: “What was your grade?” Say:“You’re working so hard!”
• Instead of: “You’re so smart!” Say: You’re improving because you’re putting in so much effort.”
• Instead of: “How many goals did you get?” Say: “Keep at it! All that practice, is going to pay off!”

If Your Child Wants to Quit 

An estimated 83 percent of kids aged six to 17 are involved in some kind of extracurricular activity, so sooner or later most parents will be faced with a child wanting to quit something. And do know that little kids need to experiment with different activities so they can figure out what they like (so don’t call that quitting.. reframe it as “You’re trying…”)  Here’s how to decide:

1. Don’t give in too quickly 

While letting your kid quit may seem easier, beware. It may teach him it’s OK to quit or take the easy way out. If you let your child quit too quickly, he’ll never have the chance to experience success. (And weathering a bit of disappointment can actually help kids.) Here are some techniques to try depending on the child’s age and situation.

• Try to postpone quitting: Encourage your kid to keep at it (at least a bit longer).
• Negotiate: “Stick with the cello until the end of the year, and you can be on soccer team this summer.”
• Put it on her shoulders: “You go talk to the coach and ask what you can do to get more playing time.” “Set up an appointment with the orchestra director and ask what why you didn’t get first chair and what you can do to improve.”
• Refuse without guilt: “Sorry, that was your commitment, you’re stuck with it.”

2. Hear your kid out 

If your child’s “quitting behavior” is brand new or is escalating, then ask your child what’s really going on. Try to understand his quitting motive: “You were really jazzed when you signed up. What changed?” “What do you need to make it work?” “Would you like to continue, but with a different teacher or team?”

3. Look for a solution 

Might there be a simple way to get him over the slump?Talk to the teacher or coach to get their take. Watch from the sidelines to see if your kid’s complaints of unfair treatment are legit. Your goal is to figure out what’s really going on, and whether there is something you can do to help your child hang in there and get over the slump. Here are four common problems, and solutions:

• Task or placement too advanced is too difficult; too much pressure to perform. Solution: Take your expectations down a notch; switch the class or team to one that is not quite as accelerated.
• Overscheduled. no down time or time to relax or be with friends. Solution: Free up time, drop one thing in that schedule. The top reason tweens want to quit is because the practice is taking up time away from friends. If that’s the issue, find ways to schedule in “friend time” and even have your tween practice with the other kids.
• Environment or teacher isn’t supportive; too harsh or punitive. Solution: Change the teacher or mentor; switch the team if needed. Research on talented kids (who remained talented) found that the early teacher was essential. She was usually the “Aunt Bee” type – warm, patient and ignited in the child “You can do it!” Find that teacher!
• Hasn’t experienced success yet, but it’s only been a short while. Solution: Get some help.  Get a tutor to help him with the math class. Hire a high school student to throw him extra pitches. The key to success is practice, practice, practice…but that also means your child needs to be doing the “right kind of purposeful practice” so he sees improvement.

How to Decide Whether to Quit

You’ll need to weigh which lesson is more important: Helping your child learn to stick it out, or the realization that some activities just aren’t the right match. And you’ll need to decide on a case-by-case situation. Here are five factors to help you decide:

• Stress. Is it stressful enough to cause concerning behavioral changes in your child?
• Joylessness. Is it mostly cheerless for the child? Has he stuck with the task for the required amount of time and just lost interest? Then it’s time to move on.
• Beyond abilities. Despite his efforts, the activity is too difficult for his current abilities.
• Poor coach or mentor. Not a good match for your child, yells too much, far too competitive, turns your kid off to the task, pushes “win at any cost,” unfair, not knowledgeable or offers poor advice, overall more harmful than helpful.
• Gave it his best shot. Your child tried his hardest but things aren’t improving.

Then it’s time to MOVE ON! Don’t dwell, just move on! And let that be a lesson for your child as well, “Some things just aren’t the right match.”

Worry If There’s a Quitting Pattern 

Every kid wants to give up now and then. Especially from ages 3 to 6, it may not mean much. Be concerned when bailing out becomes a pattern with your older kid. Watch for these signs which could mean something else is going on and you should dig deeper:

• Unwilling to try a task or stick with it, fearing failure or making a mistake
• Easily discouraged, upset or quick to anger when facing setbacks
• Needs encouragement or the promise of a reward to complete a task
• Relies on someone else to complete a task
• Defensive or blames errors on others
• Cheats, cuts corners, or makes excuses to not do the task
• Gives up as the easy way out instead of really confronting the problem

Learn more about character education.

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned consultant, educational psychologist and recipient of the National Educator Award who has presented workshops to over a million participants worldwide. She is a recognized expert in parenting, bullying, youth violence, and character development and author of 22 books including UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World, The 6Rs of Bullying Prevention: Best Proven Practices to Combat Cruelty and Build Respect,The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and Building Moral Intelligence. She has appeared over 130 times on the TODAY show and is a frequent expert on national media including Dateline, The View, Dr. Oz, Anderson Cooper, CNN, Dr. Drew, and Dr. Phil. To book her for speaking or media even refer to her website: www.micheleborba.com. Follow her on twitter @MicheleBorba.

From Jeff Kluever, director of programs and administration

There are many, many things I don’t like about social distancing, not the least of which are video meetings and calls. I don’t even like doing video calls with my two nieces, mostly because they are far more interested in playing with the various filters that add cat ears to my head, than talking to me. But the same is true for work calls and meetings. I would much rather meet in person.

I’m a teacher. I’m at my best when I am with my audience, looking them in the eye, reading their body language, facilitating conversation and dialogue, and connecting on a personal level. I want to be in a room, with a group, doing the hard work together.

So you can understand why I say that transitioning some of my work from in-person delivery to online delivery in response to social distancing is, in the words of my 9-year-old niece, “not my favorite.” Presentations that I could deliver with relative ease in person are now posing significant challenges as I think about how to deliver them online. How do I demonstrate interactive activities online? How can I facilitate conversation when I can only see four heads on the screen? Whose dog is barking in the background and why doesn’t that person know how to mute their mic? Changing to online delivery is causing me stress.

But – if I’m being honest, learning how to do online program delivery is actually good stress, not bad stress. Good stress is stress that challenges us, motivates us, takes us outside our comfort zone and asks us to do something new or different, which is exactly what is happening to me as I learn to do online workshops.

Let me be clear, good stress does not mean that I wanted that stress. I don’t want to learn how to do good online training. I don’t want to research which software programs give me the features needed to do my work. I would be much happier if I didn’t have to think about online workshops at all. But, at the end of the day, this challenge, this stress is making me a better teacher. (If its possible to type something begrudgingly, I definitely typed “this stress is making me a better teacher” begrudgingly). Whatever the future holds, I will have new skills, new tools in my teaching toolkit because I had this stress in my life.

So here’s the challenge:

1. Recognize what is good stress in your life.
   What challenge are you currently facing that is making you better (whether you like it or not)?
2. Focus on the positive outcome of overcoming that challenge, rather than wishing the stress away.
   What will you be able to do better or differently because of this good stress?
3. Hard as it may be, be grateful for the opportunity to get better.

Learn more about character education.

From guest contributor Dr. Michele Borba

One thing is certain, kids aren’t born hateful. Prejudices are learned. Hatred and intolerance can also be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy, and tolerance. If today’s children are to have any chance of living harmoniously in our multiethnic world, it is critical that parents nurture it.

Here are seven solutions you can use that help curtail bigotry while at the same time influence your kids to treat others with respect and understanding. Here are ways to do so:

1. Confront Your Prejudices, Pronto!

The first step to nurturing tolerance is to examine your own prejudices and reflect on how you might be projecting those ideas to your child. Chances are that you are communicating those attitudes to your child. Make a conscious attempt to temper them so that they don’t become your child’s prejudices.

2. Commit to Raising a Tolerant Child

Parents who think through how they want their kids to turn out usually succeed simply because they planned their parenting efforts. So if you really want your child to respect diversity, you must adopt a conviction early on to raise him to do so. Once your child knows your expectations, he will be more likely to embrace your principles.

3. Refuse to Allow Discriminatory Comments, Period! 

When you hear prejudicial comments, verbalize your displeasure. How you respond sends a clear message to your child about your values:

“That’s disrespectful and I won’t allow such things to be said in my house.” or “That’s a biased comment, and I don’t want to hear it.”

Your child needs to hear your discomfort so that she knows you really walk your talk. It also models a response she should imitate if prejudicial comments are made in her presence.

4. Embrace Diversity

From a young age, expose your child to positive images-including toys, music, literature, videos, public role models, and examples from TV or newspaper reports-that represent a variety of ethnic groups.

Encourage your child, no matter how young, to have contact with individuals of different races, religions, cultures, genders, abilities, and beliefs.

The more your child sees how you embrace diversity, the more prone he’ll be to follow your standards and be more empathic and tolerant.

5. Emphasize Similarities

Encourage your child to look for what he has in common with others instead of how he is different. Any time your child points out how she is different from someone, you might say.

“There are lots of ways you are different from other people. Now let’s try to think of ways you are the same.” 

Help her see how similarities outweigh differences.

6. Counter Discriminatory Beliefs

When you hear a child make a prejudicial comment, listen to find out why he feels the way he does. Then gently challenge his views and point out why they are incorrect. For example if your child says:

“Homeless people should get jobs and sleep in their own houses.”

You might counter:

“There are many reasons homeless people don’t work or have houses. They may be ill or can’t find jobs. Houses cost money, and not everyone can pay for one.” 

Stereotypes lead to prejudice. Stop them!

7. Be the Example You Want Copied! 

The best way for your child to learn tolerance is for him to watch and listen to your daily example.

Ask yourself each day one critical question: “If my child had only my behavior to copy, would he be witnessing an example of what I want him to emulate?”

Make sure you are walking your talk.

Hatred, bigotry, prejudice, and intolerance can be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy, and tolerance. Although it’s certainly never too late to begin, the sooner we start nurturing tolerance in our children, the better the chance we have of preventing insidious, intolerant attitudes from taking hold.

There has never been a time when it is most important to do so than now.

Learn more about character education.

By Jeff Kluever, Director of Programs

COVID-19 has disrupted our lives in countless ways, not the least of which was moving many schools to online delivery for the rest of the spring semester, and the cancellation of all high school spring sports. The suddenness of this change caught all of us off guard, and coaches were no exception.  Coaches, teachers, and parents must help guide their students through adversity, and cope with stress and loss, including the loss of a season.  We asked Drake Women’s Basketball Coach Jennie Baranczyk to share a few thoughts with coaches on how she dealt with the sudden cancellation of her season.

One way to help students cope with the loss of their season is to help them think positively.  For coaches interested in some sort of activity to provide positive closure for a team who lost their season, consider asking your team to write a letter to their sport. In this letter, they should write about what they’ve gained by participating on this team – the lessons they’ve learned, friendships they made, skills they’ve developed, and so on. As an example, you may share the letter Kobe Bryant wrote to basketball, found here: https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/dear-basketball.

Nothing will replace a lost season, but hopefully this activity can help your students think about not the season they lost, but all that they gained by participating in your activity.

Learn more about character education.