From our guest contributor, Nancy Justis. 

I’ll say it again. Wins and losses should not be the most important thing to focus on in youth sports. I can’t say it often enough and my eight-year-old grandson reinforced that for me.

When Jaden played his final flag football game, the Chiefs lost. They had a relatively successful season and he and his teammates had fun. When the game was over, Jaden came over to the sidelines carrying his Gatorade and post-game snack to meet his family with tears in his eyes. We thought he was upset because they had lost their game.

All of us tried to booster his spirits by pointing out to him that he played well, that he scored a touchdown, intercepted a pass, had a knockdown and grabbed a few flags. He didn’t want to hear it.

“I don’t want this to be our last game,” he sobbed. “I’m going to miss all my teammates. I won’t get to see them again.”

Aaah. Jaden wants to win as much as the next kid playing, but he was most upset because he had built friendships with the other members of his team.

His mom gave him a big hug and told him, “Jaden, I promise you will see your teammates again. I have all their moms’ phone numbers and we can call them so you can get together. I promise.” With that, he stepped away so he could join his team for one more group picture. Still with tears in his eyes, but feeling a bit better.

Memories made. THAT is what youth sports should be about. At least for this one particular season, the city’s recreation program succeeded in providing a good experience for at least one little boy.

The National Recreation and Park Association recently collaborated with Dr. Daniel F. Perkins, associate professor of family and youth resiliency and policy at Pennsylvania State, and Ann Michelle Daniels, assistant professor of family and youth development at South Dakota State, to feature “Putting Youth Back Into Sports” as part of the Sports Illustrated GOOD SPORTS Activation Kit.

The materials have been adapted from a training curriculum created for extension educators and sports organizations. It contains hand-outs and other educational materials. It is available for sale from the South Dakota Cooperative Extension Service here.

This Community Guide states the following:

• “Everyone plays a role in making youth sports a positive community resource.”
• “Youth can make sports more positive by showing good sportsmanship and focusing on mastering skills.”
• “Parents can help make sports a positive experience by supporting the youth and the coach. This includes being an appropriate spectator, letting the coach be the coach and encouraging kids to have fun!”
• “Coaches can help by promoting coach/parents and coach/child relationships. Coaches need to be able to communicate effectively, understand conflict resolution and remember when it comes to sports, kids’ number one priority is having fun!”

Additional information in the guide includes the following goals for an effective youth sports program:

• Ensure that young players can experience success in learning the skills of the sport.
• Provide and environment that nurtures the youths’ physical and emotional well-being.
• Provide an atmosphere in which young athletes can raise their self-worth.
• Maintain healthy attitudes that don’t emphasize winning at all costs, but that emphasize personal improvement.
• Let the youth have FUN!
• Spectators should applaud and cheer for everyone, not just your child or his or her team. Spectators should keep cool and avoid spectator rage.

Drawing from a book sponsored by the National Research Council and the Institute of Medicine, Dr. Perkins identified 10 critical items in achieving a quality youth sports program.

1. Physical and psychological safety.
2. Appropriate structure. The program has clear rules, expectations and responsibilities of youth, parents, coaches, officials and sport organizers.
3. Supportive relationships. Adults and youth are able to establish trusted connections.
4. Opportunities to belong. The program fosters friendships and provides youth with a sense of a positive group experience.
5. Positive social norms.
6. Support for efficacy and mattering. The program provides youth the opportunity to be useful and to make a difference in their social worlds.
7.  Opportunities for skill building.
8. Active learning.
9. Opportunities for recognition. Players are acknowledged for their contributions.
10. Integration of family, school and community efforts.

Jaden is in the early years of making lifelong friends through sports. This is just one reason why he shouldn’t trade his sports experience for anything in the world.

Nancy Justis has over 40 years of journalistic experience ranging from newspaper and magazine writing and editing, to collegiate public relations. At a time when women were a virtual non-entity in the athletics media relations field, she blazed the trail.  She has over 30 years of experience in the promotion of sports teams and working with student-athletes.  She was Sports Information Director/Assistant Athletics Director for Media Relations at the University of Northern Iowa for most of those years, publicizing the Panthers’ nationally-recognized men’s basketball and football teams. She is a member of the Cedar Valley Character Counts Committee and serves on the board of the Cedar Valley Sports Commission.  She freelance writes for various publications.

From our guest contributor, Michael Josephson. 

There’s a lot of loose talk lately about lying, falsehoods, and mistakes.

All three significantly affect credibility, but what they say about the character and competence of the person conveying untrue information is very different. And that difference should make a difference in how we treat future statements.

Falsehood. A falsehood is any statement that is not in actual, objective fact. The statement is untrue, false, or inaccurate, regardless of intent.

Mistakes. Some mistakes are innocent or inadvertent falsehoods where the communicator genuinely and was not careless or indifferent about its truth. Everyone makes mistakes and, depending on the context, most mistakes do not seriously or permanently damage credibility.

Some mistakes, however, are careless as where the communicator genuinely, but unreasonably, believed it was true. Like careless opinions (see below) these sorts of mistakes say more about a person’s judgment and competence than integrity. Repetitive carelessness, however, results in serious damage to credibility because statements simply can’t be trusted.

Mistakes rise to a higher level of culpability when a communicator demonstrates a reckless disregard or indifference for whether the statement is true or not. This recklessness can be demonstrated by reliance on no evidence at all or reliance on information a reasonable person would know is insubstantial, unreliable or patently wrong (e.g., previously demonstrated to be false  – “debunked”). If the statement relates to a significant matter with significant potential consequences it is reckless if the communicator makes no reasonable effort to confirm its truth before uttering it. It is somewhat less reckless if the communicator acknowledges at the time of utterance that the statement is based on unverified or questionable grounds, but even uttering it without reasonable confidence in its accuracy seriously damages credibility and puts the communicator in a category very close to a liar.

Wrong Opinions. If the statement is conveyed or meant to be received as an opinion by a person who truly believes the opinion, but the opinion is incorrect (not true or accurate), the opinion is wrong but the person giving it is not dishonest. Being sincere, but wrong bears on credibility and trustworthiness in terms of judgment and competence, not honesty. However, like reckless mistakes, a person who gives opinions without a responsible proper basis is, at best, careless and at worst irresponsibly reckless. Labeling something as an opinion or prefacing it with “I believe” are not get out of jail free cards in terms of credibility. Those who regularly state unfounded factual assertions or opinions that go against clear irrefutable evidence cannot be trusted and are often considered dishonest, or even liars, because of their disregard for the truth.

Lies. Lies are falsehoods told with the intent to mislead or to cause someone to believe something that is not true. Some lies are direct, overt, clear misrepresentations; others take the form of intentionally deceptive half-truth or tricky wording intended to generate a false belief. It does not matter whether the communicator believes the false information is major or minor.

There are rare cases where lies or other forms of dishonesty are morally justified (e.g., lying to a terrorist threatening to poison the water supply, during an authorized undercover operation, telling a young child there is a Santa Claus). These little or white lies are more rare and less acceptable than most people who tell them suppose.  but to escape the moral condemnation and avoid the consequences of being a person not worthy of being believed, the communicator of a ‘justifiable lie” bears the burden of convincing those lied to that the conduct should not destroy credibility. The test for any justifiable white lie is: if the person lied to discovers the lie will it destroy trust.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that Character Counts!

Learn more about character education.

Michael Josephson is an influential and internationally renowned champion of character education for youth and ethical conduct in business, government, policing, journalism, sports, healthcare and law. He is credited by many as the person most responsible for reviving and professionalizing the character education in school and youth-serving organizations. In 1992, under the auspices of the Josephson Institute he created CHARACTER COUNTS!, the world’s most widely implemented character development initiative based on a common language of shared values – the Six Pillars of Character) and Pursuing Victory With Honor (1996), a companion program promoting ethics in sports.

Fairness affects everything we do. It shapes our judgment, impacts our credibility, affects our ability to trust, and influences our loyalty and motivation. It can bolster or damage a career, strengthen or torpedo a relationship, and advance or ruin a leader’s authority. What makes a person fair?

Rational. Fair-minded people employ clear and sensible thinking. They examine both sides of an issue before forming an opinion. Fair-minded people make decisions based on hard evidence and reason rather than emotion; they know the whole story rather than just some of the facts.

Objective. Fair-minded people make impartial judgments, free from personal bias. They disclose any bias before offering an opinion.

Open-minded. Fair-minded people are tolerant and non-discriminating, accepting of the views of others. Fair-minded people are true to their own beliefs without forcing them on others. As Oscar Wilde said, “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”

Reasonable. Fair-minded people challenge others by setting high, yet realistic, expectations. They ask of others only what they’re willing to do themselves. Furthermore, fair-minded people pay a fair day’s wage for an honest day’s work.

Even-handed. Fair-minded people give everyone an equal opportunity to succeed devoid of favoritism. They treat bosses and subordinates with the same level of respect. Furthermore, fair-minded people discourage any real or perceived favoritism that may result from conducting business with friends or acquaintances.

Sound judgment. Fair-minded people reward folks based on the value they provide rather than on the basis of subjective assessment.

Rule abiding. Fair-minded people follow the spirit as well as the letter of the law. They do what’s right rather than what’s politically expedient. Fair-minded people never twist rules for personal gain.

Contributor. Fair-minded people make a concerted effort to pull their own weight rather than living off the hard work of others. They “get in the game” rather than criticizing from the sidelines.

Deserving. Fair-minded people do not request special favors or accept unearned rewards. Furthermore, fair-minded people wait their turn in line rather than pushing their way to the front.

Sound leadership. Fair-minded people earn the respect of their colleagues through their expertise, personal integrity, and ability to foster trust rather than demanding it. When fair-minded people are in positions of power, they “do right” by people and go out of their way to serve as exemplary role models. Furthermore, fair-minded people create a win-win environment. They discourage situations in which people outmaneuver one another to gain the upper hand. They avoid zero-sum games in which one-person’s win translates into another person’s loss.

Selfless. Fair-minded people are empathetic, willing to walk in another person’s shoes before making a judgment. Furthermore, as fair-minded people climb the ladder of success, they lift up others and are genuinely happy for their success.

This is adapted from Follow Your Conscience: Make a Difference in Your Life & in the Lives of Others By Frank Sonnenberg © 2014 Frank Sonnenberg. All rights reserved.

Frank is an award-winning author. He has written six books and over 300 articles. Frank was recently named one of “America’s Top 100 Thought Leaders” and one of America’s Most Influential Small Business Experts. Frank has served on several boards and has consulted to some of the largest and most respected companies in the world. Additionally, FrankSonnenbergOnline was named among the “Best 21st Century Leadership Blogs,” among the “Top 100 Socially-Shared Leadership Blogs,” and one of the “Best Inspirational Blogs On the Planet.” Frank’s new book, BookSmart: Hundreds of real-world lessons for success and happiness was released November 2016. © 2017 Frank Sonnenberg. All rights reserved.

Learn more about character education.

From our guest contributor, Michele Borba. 

Here are nine tips to guide you in minimizing jealousy and boosting harmony amongst your kids:

Give yourself a reality check

Before you go beating yourself up, take a moment to seriously reflect on how you do treat your kids. A good question to ponder is: “If someone asked your child if you treat your kids fairly, how would he or she respond?”

For instance: Does each kid feel like your favorite? Do you avoid comparing your kids in front of others? Do you provide opportunities for each child to nurture her special talents? Is there one thing you might do to change your behavior or interactions with your children to minimize their feelings of jealousy or rivalry?

Get in your child’s shoes

Pretend you really are in the shoes of the child who feels jealous. How would you feel if you were your kid? How would you act? Is his take on things right? If so, what will you do to change your relationship with this child so he feels just as special in your eyes? Write down your thoughts then commit to making that change happen.

Refrain from comparing behaviors

Never compare or praise one kid’s behavior in contrast to a sibling: it can create long-lasting strains. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “Why aren’t you organized like your brother?” All too easily, kids can interpret such comparisons as: “You think he’s better than me” or “You love him more.” It unfairly puts pressure on the sibling you praised and devalues your other child.

Listen openly to all sides

Listening fairly your kids is not only a powerful way to convey that you respect each child’s thoughts and want to hear all sides: “Thanks for sharing. Now I want to hear your brother’s side.” The key is to build a fair relationship with each sibling so that he or she knows not only that you value each opinion and you’re an unbiased listener.

Never compare schoolwork or competencies or athletic behaviors or musical talents or…

Kids should compare their schoolwork, test scores, and report cards only to their own previous work—never to the work of their siblings or friends. Instead of stimulating a child to work harder, comparisons are more likely to fuel resentment.

Avoid using negative labels

Family nicknames like Shorty, Clumsy, or Klutz can cause unfair family ribbings and fuel sibling resentment. “Don’t worry, he’s just the family klutz”-as well as become daily reminders of incompetence. These kinds of labels often stick and become difficult to erase, not only within but also outside your family as well. In fact the one rule on labels: Unless the label is helpful or esteem-enhancing, don’t use it! Labels create sibling resentment but also become fulfilling prophecies.

Nurture a unique strength for each sibling

All kids deserve to hear from parents what makes them unique. Knowledge of that talent nurtures their self-esteem as well as setting them apart from their siblings. Ideally, you should nurture a different strength for each sibling based on natural temperament and interests. Once you identify the talent, find opportunities to cultivate and validate it so each child can be acknowledged for their strength.

Find special alone time with each child

One way to let each child feel treasured is by spending alone just with each parent. Capitalize on those individual moments as they arise: “Your brother’s asleep. Let’s just you and I go read books together.” Or make a date with each sibling to have special time just with you then mark it on the calendar. How frequently you meet is based on what’s realistic for your schedule: thirty minutes weekly, ten minutes daily, an hour every other week.

Arrange for another adult to watch other siblings or choose a time when they’re gone. “Together” occasions could be: a movie, a walk, lunching at a favorite restaurant, kite flying, an ice cream outing, or just time alone. Then enjoy each other without siblings around–even if it’s just five minutes. Say; “This is our time.”

Reinforce cooperative behavior

Don’t overlook one of the simplest ways to boost sibling harmony: catch them supporting each other. The moments may be few and far between, but when they do help, share, cooperate, and work well together, tell them you appreciate their efforts. They’re more likely to repeat the behaviors because they know that’s what you want them to do.

Now that you’ve learned the nine tips how will you use them to achieve long-term change? You might want to take a moment to write down exactly what promise you want to make to yourself and your family. For instance, which simple secret you will commit to doing within the next twenty-four hours to make a real difference in your family? Then don’t give up until you get the change you want.

For more information on how to orchestrate sibling harmony, click here.

Dr. Michele Borba is an educational psychologist, parenting expert, TODAY show contributor and author of 22 books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries and UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.

Check out: micheleborba.com or follow her on Twitter @micheleborba.

Learn more about character education.