From our guest contributor Michael Josephson.

Most of us are regularly confronted with choices that can have serious and lasting impact on our lives. What’s more, most really bad decisions — the ones that mess up our lives — are made impulsively or without sufficient reflection.

Thus, the wisdom of the oldest advice in the world: “Think ahead.” The maxim telling us to count to three when we’re angry and to ten when we’re very angry is designed to prevent foolish and impulsive behavior. But anger is just one obstacle to good choices. Others are fatigue, frustration, impatience and ignorance.

We can improve our lives immeasurably if we can get in the habit of self-consciously stopping the momentum of thoughtless behavior. We must force ourselves to reflect on what we are about to do. Just like we teach our children to look both ways before they cross the street, we can and should instill the habit of looking ahead in making decisions.

So every good decision starts with a stop. We must stop to sort out facts from rumors, to evaluate the evidence and devise alternatives so we can choose the most effective and ethical course of action. Stopping to think before we act also allows us to muster our moral will power to overcome temptations.

The “stop” is a break in the action that allows us to ask ourselves a few crucial questions that could set us on a better road:

“Wait, what do I really want to accomplish here?”

“How will my decision affect others?”

“What are my alternatives?”

“What could go wrong?”

Give it a try next time you are making a decision.  Don’t forget to stop back and tell us if it helped in your decision making.

Learn more about character education.

From our guest contributor Michael Josephson, founder of CHARACTER COUNTS!

I am a strong believer in the power of positive thinking, which is the title of a best-selling book published in 1952 by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, a controversial preacher and pastor who popularized the idea that if you can change your attitude, you can change your life. He urged people to consciously train themselves to be optimistic and enthusiastic, to believe in themselves, to refuse to dwell on negative thoughts, and to visualize success. He also vigorously advocated forgiveness, gratitude, and building one’s own character.

Who could argue with that? Apparently, the entire psychiatric community. His theories evoked universal criticism from psychiatrists, who labeled his advice shallow, simplistic, and possibly dangerous. They believed that, ultimately, those who tried his methods would end up disillusioned and worse off than before. He was labeled a confidence man and a charlatan.

I was surprised to discover that even Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of the “Positive Psychology” movement in 1998, nearly a half century after Dr. Peale’s book, vociferously sought to distinguish “positive thinking” from “positive psychology.” He called positive thinking an “unproven and dangerous” armchair activity.

Certainly these are legitimate concerns that some people might be so taken by the “self-hypnosis” of positive thinking that they foolishly or naively ignore risks and deny demonstrable negative realities, but these concerns are no better documented than Dr. Peale’s claims. In fact, Dr. Seligman and his colleagues launched scientific research proving the huge value of positive attitudes and optimism in producing happiness and mental well-being.

Perhaps Dr. Peale oversold his theories, but millions of people believe that his message gave them a new strategy that made them happier and more successful. Clearly, extreme unreflective optimism can mask risks that need to be considered by prudent people, but I suspect more people suffer because of negativism than optimism.

Even today, I find these Peal-isms appealing and useful:

• If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
• Imagination is the true magic carpet.
• It’s always too early to quit.
• Success consists not in fighting battles, but in avoiding them. A masterly retreat is itself a victory.
• The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.
• We’ve all heard that we have to learn from our mistakes, but I think it’s more important to learn from successes. If you learn only from your mistakes, you are inclined to learn only errors.
• Action is a great builder of confidence. . . . Any action is better than no action at all.
• Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.
• Don’t take tomorrow to bed with you.
• Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture. . . Do not build up obstacles in your imagination.
• Getting people to like you is merely the other side of liking them.
• Repetition of the same thought or physical action develops into a habit which, repeated frequently enough, becomes an automatic reflex.
• Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven’t half the strength you think they have.
• The more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have.
• There is a real magic in enthusiasm. It spells the difference between mediocrity and accomplishment.
• We struggle with the complexities and avoid the simplicities.
•  We tend to get what we expect.

How do you stay positive?

Learn more about character education.

From our guest contributor Michele Borba.

All parents want their kids to “play nice” by sharing, taking turns, and cooperating with their friends. After all, it means their child is learning how to socialize and get along. Learning to share is also signifies a big moment in moral development and social growth. Once a child can take turns and share it means he’s transitioned from the “egocentric” stage (in which the world basically revolves around him and his needs). He can consider the needs and feelings of others which is so essential to making and keeping friends.

Learning to share, take turns, and cooperate doesn’t always happen by chance: some kids need a lot more reminders. But just telling kids to “play nice” doesn’t change behavior: you need to show them how to share and help them understand why it is important that they do so.

Sharing is one of the first social skills kids learn, so it’s also one of the most important. Without the ability to share and take turns, your child’s friendship quotient will be greatly jeopardized. After all, who wants to be with a kid who hoards the video games? And when will they learn those skills if not now: college, the work place, relationships and marriage will be too late.

Here are strategies you can use to start boosting this essential friendship and character building skill with your child right now. Choose just one strategy at a time and keep using it until your child “gets it.” Children learn through repetition, so keep up “fun” practice sessions. Varying the examples helps children “transfer” the skill to real life (which means he can do the skill without your guidance or prodding. Have him teach the puppy, show Grandma how to share, create a video to show Daddy…just fine fun opportunities to weave sharing into your day to day life.

1. Teach by example

The best way kids learn isn’t by our lectures but showing them. So let your child see you sharing and taking turns so they have a model to copy. Make a point of offering them the biggest portion of desert, offer to share your favorite slippers or funny hat your kid loves to put on, take an evening to share your time with kids, the most precious commodity you may have as far as they are concerned.

2. Show how to share

Instead of telling your kids to share, show them how to take turns. Get on the floor with your little one – and gently roll a rubber ball back and forth between you. As you do, say “My turn, now it’s your turn. Roll it back to Mommy.”

Your child will begin to get the idea that sharing means taking turns. For older kids, dust off those old game boards such as Monopoly, Clue, Chutes and Ladders, Checkers then graduate to playing catch, Frisbee, videogames, and ultimately work projects in the home, yard, or community.

You can also teach kids those wonderful, “oldie but golden” strategies that encourage sharing like choosing straws, tossing a coin, singing “eenie, meenie, minie moe,” or doing Rock, Paper, Scissors. If your kid is the one who does share but always gets short-changed by a pushy “friend” those tips do come in handy!

3.  Expect your child to share

Tell your child that you expect him to share. Right before a friend arrives is the best time to remind him: “Karen will be here shortly so let’s set out the toys you’d like to share and think she would enjoy.” “Remember, sharing is not an option. I expect you to share.” “Sam’s coming soon so remember our rule about being considerate of your friends.” 

4.  Stress the value of sharing

Pointing out the impact sharing has on the other child boosts the likelihood that your child will repeat the behavior. “Did you see Kali’s smile when you shared your toys? You made her happy.” “Joshua really enjoyed coming over because you were such a nice host and shared the equipment.”

5.  Share only what belongs to you

It’s also a good idea to emphasize that you may share only items that belong to you; otherwise, permission must be granted from the owner. “That belongs to my brother, so it’s not something I can share.” “That’s my dad’s. We have to ask him before we can use it.”

6.  Rehearse the right way

“Instead of grabbing the toy, tell your brother that you’d like a turn. Now you try.” “Pretend I’m you’re friend. Ask me what I’d like to do.” “Let’s try that again so you give your friend a chance to play with the bubble blower.”

7.  Use role reversal

When your child doesn’t share, ask her to put herself in the other child’s place. “Put yourself in your friend’s shoes. What do you think he’d like to say to you about the time he spent watching you on the computer all afternoon?” Doing so is one way to help your child shift from thinking about herself and ponder how her friends feel.

8.  Put away valuable equipment

Telling your child to put away any toys he does not want to share before his guest arrives actually promotes sharing, especially in five- to nine-year-olds. After all, there are certain possessions that are very special to your child, so putting those items away before a guest arrives minimizes potential friend conflicts. Then say: “Anything you leave out and things you have to share.”

9.  Rotate family roles

One way to help kids understand the value of sharing is to find opportunities to rotate different family roles and privileges so each family member gets a turn. Possibilities might be rotating chores, choosing the nightly television show, movie, video rental, family outing, dessert, or even sitting in the coveted “hot seat” (front passenger seat of the car).

10.  Set a consequence

Despite all your efforts, your kid still continues to hoard and refuses to share, it’s time to set a natural consequence. Some teachers set one classroom rule, and it works wonders:  “If you don’t share, you don’t play.” The rule can work for any age. Another idea is if your child refuses to share an item, the toy is given a “time-out” for a specified time. When “time out” is up, the denied friend gets first option on the toy. For older kids try a great teacher rule: “If you don’t share, the other person takes two turns in a row.”

Remember, simple changes can reap big results. So don’t give up until you see the positive changes in your child. It may take awhile, so continue to acknowledge “sharing and cooperative behaviors.” Then congratulate yourself for your efforts and recognize that they paid off–especially that wonderful moment when your child reminds you, “In this family we share!” YES!

Learn more about character education.

From our guest contributor Amy Williams

Cyberbullying is one of the most common problems among children today. In fact, Illinois recently passed a law requiring schools to investigate reports of cyberbullying, even if the alleged incident took place outside of school hours. The new law isn’t universally welcomed. The American Civil Liberties Union of Illinois, for instance, went on the record as opposing it. However most groups seem to agree that the problem isn’t getting any better.

What are the Risks of Cyberbullying?
Many of the problems with cyberbullying are the same as those caused by old-fashioned bullying: children who are frightened of their peers, feel like they’re shut away socially, and may even be turning towards thoughts of suicide because they don’t know how to escape the situation they’re in.

It’s not always easy for online sites to catch bullies either. For example millions of preteens are on Facebook despite the site’s policy against allowing anyone younger than 13. Physical harm isn’t the only thing that children feel threatened by while online, and that’s part of what drives the despair they feel.

Options for Parents
Fortunately for us, there are many options available for parents. The University of Massachusetts Medical School provided an outstanding overview of the subject, worth reading by any parent. To supplement that, here are some other tips:

• Don’t allow your children the option of creating social media accounts until you’re ready to supervise them. When they are allowed an account, walk them through the account creation process and show them the various security tools installed – how to block other users, how to report objectionable material, and so on. This will give teens a feeling of empowerment, and most sites have guides to walk you through this (such as Facebook’s comprehensive help page).
• Know when to ask others for help. Illinois isn’t the only state whose schools can help deal with cyberbullying, and depending on the nature of the bullying, it may be necessary to get the police involved. You’ll have to use your judgment on whether or not to take things this far – a good rule of thumb is that if you’d report the threat if it was made in-person, you should also report it if it’s online.
• Encourage your child to develop healthy offline activities. Electronic gadgets can seem like a great way of keeping a child occupied, but if they’re the only interest a child has, then something bad happening online will have a disproportionate impact on the rest of their life.
• Gradually give your children more freedom online. Rather than simply throwing them off the diving board and expecting them to swim, restricting their activities until you’re confident of their ability to handle problems can help them avoid trouble – and if something does go wrong, you’ll know they have the ability to deal with it.
• Teaching children self-confidence and independence are by far the best way of helping to protect them from cyberbullying. Most cases of bullying will never be reported, so it’s up to you to monitor your child’s activities and behavior, watch for signs of depression, and teach them the skills they need to succeed.

Learn more about character education.