From our guest contributor, Dr. Michele Borba.
The best news is that child advocates and parents can teach kids these same bystander skills. Doing so empowers children with tools to stop cruelty, help victims, feel safer and reduce bullying. Here are the three steps:
STEP ONE: Teach Students Tattling vs. Reporting
Kids must realize that safety is always the primary goal, so stress to students:
“If someone could get hurt, REPORT!
“It’s always better to be safe than sorry.”
Teach students the crucial difference between “Tattling” and “Reporting” so they will know when they should step in because a child is bullied or when to step back and let two kids handle things for themselves because it’s just friendly teasing.
Also identify specific trusted adults children can go to and report bullying incidents if they do identify bullying. Here is the crucial difference:
Tattling is when you trying to get kids IN trouble when they aren’t hurting themselves or other.
Reporting is when you’re trying to help keep kids OUT of trouble because they may get hurt (or they are). Report bullying to an adult you trust. If the adult doesn’t listen, keep reporting until you find an adult who does listen.
STEP TWO: Teach What Bullying Looks and Sounds Like
The next step is to teach students what bullying behaviors look like so they will know when they should step in and not when the behavior is mere teasing.
1. Explain three parts of bullying:
1. Bullying is a cruel or aggressive act that is done on purpose. The bully has more power (strength, status, or size) than the targeted child who cannot hold his own.
2. The hurtful bullying behavior is not an accident, but done on purpose.
3. The bully usually seems to enjoy seeing the victim in distress and rarely accepts responsibility and often says the target “deserved” the hurtful treatment.”
2. Teach: “Six types of bullying”:
Depending on the child’s age, bullying can take on difference forms including:
- Physical: Punching, hitting, slamming, socking, spitting, slapping;
- Verbal: Saying put downs, nasty statements, name calling, taunting, racial slurs, or hurtful comments, threatening;
- Emotional: Shunning, excluding, spreading rumors or mean gossip, ruining your reputation;
- Electronic or cyber-bullying: Using the Internet, cell phone, camera, text messaging, photos to say mean or embarrassing things;
- Sexual: Saying or doing things that are lewd or disrespectful in a sexual way
3. Mobilize students compassion:
Students could make posters, power-point presentations, skits, or projects about bullying.
The key is for students to understand the real definition of bullying. They must know that the staff is serious about supporting them and will back them up and respond.
4. Use literature or videos:
You might also use literature or video clips to help students understand the definition of bullying. Here are a few literature favorites: Confessions of a Former Bully by Trudy Ludwig; Say Something by Peggy Moss Gardiner; Teammates by Peter Golenbock; The Bully Blockers Club, by Teresa Bateman.
STEP THREE: Teach “Bully BUSTER Bystander” Skills
I teach the acronym BUSTER as a mnemonic to help kids remember the skills more easily. Each letter in the word represents one of the six bystander skills.
Not all strategies work for all kids. The trick is to match the techniques with what works best with the child’s temperament and comfort level and the particular situation. Don’t forget to ask students for their input and additional ideas. Their creativity never ceases to amaze me!
1. B-Befriend the Victim
Bystanders often don’t intervene because they don’t want to make things worse or assume the victim doesn’t want help. But research shows that if witnesses know a victim feels upset or wants help they are more likely to step in.
Also, if a bystander befriends a victim, the act is more likely to get others to join the cause and stand up to the bully. A few ways bystanders can befriend victims:
Show comfort: Stand closer to the victim.
Wave other peers over: “Come help!”
Ask if the victim wants support: “Do you need help?”
Empathize: “I bet he feels sad.”
Clarify feelings: “She looks upset.”
You can also encourage students to befriend a victim after the episode. “That must have felt so bad.” “I’m with you. Sorry I didn’t speak out.” “That happened to me, too.” “Do you want me to help you find a teacher to talk to?” Though after the episode won’t reduce the bullying at the moment, it will help reduce the pain of both the targeted child and the witness.
2. U-Use a Distraction
The right diversion can draw peers from the scene, make them focus elsewhere, give the target a chance to get away, and may get the bully to move on. Remember, a bully wants an audience, so bystanders can reduce it with a distraction. Ploys include:
Ask a question: “What are you all doing here?”
Use diversion: “There’s a great volleyball game going on! Come on!”
Make up false excuse to disperse a crowd: “A teacher is coming!”
Feigning interruption: “I can’t find my bus.”
3. S-Speak Out and Stand Up!
Speaking out can get others to lend a hand and join you. You must stay cool, and never boo, clap, laugh, or insult, which could egg the bully on even more. Students also must learn how to assert themselves and say that speaking up to a bully is the hardest of the six Bully Buster Strategies. The students in the photo are learning my “CALM Approach” when speaking up to a bully. Best yet, older students are teaching the skill to younger students.
Stress that directly confronting a bully is intimidating and it’s a rare kid who can, but there are ways to still stand up to cruelty. Here are a few possibilities:
Show disapproval: Give a cold, silent stare.
Name it: “That’s bullying!”
Label it: “That’s mean!”
State disapproval: “This isn’t cool!” “Don’t do that!” “Cut it out!”
Ask for support: “Are you with me?”
4. T-Tell or Text For Help
Bystanders often don’t report bullying for fear of retaliation, so make sure they know which adults will support them, and ensure confidentiality. You must give students the option of anonymous reporting. An active bystander could:
- Find an adult you trust to tell
- If you have problems, keep going until you find someone who believes you
- Call from your cell
- Send a text to someone who can get help
- Call 911 if someone could be injured
5. E-Exit Alone or With Others
Stress that bullies love audiences. Bystanders can drain a bully’s power by reducing the group size a few ways. Students bystanders could:
Encourage: “You coming?”
Ask: “What are you all doing here?”
Direct: “Let’s go!”
Suggest: “Let’s leave.”
Exit: If you can’t get others to leave with you, then walk away. If you stay, you’re part of the cruelty. Leaving means you refuse to be part. Just quietly leave the scene.
6. R-Give a Reason or Offer a Remedy
Bystanders are more likely to help when told why the action is wrong or what to do. Students could:
Review why it’s wrong: “This isn’t right!” “This is mean!” “You’ll get suspended.” “You’ll hurt him.”
Offer a remedy: “Go get help!” “Let’s work this out with Coach.”
The right comments and behaviors can make peers stop, think, consider the consequences, and even move on. Bystanders can make a difference. They can be mobilized to step in and reduce bullying-that is if they are taught how. It’s up to us to show students safe ways to do so, support and believe them, and then acknowledge their courageous efforts.
160,000 students today skipped school because of peer intimidation and bullying. It’s time to rethink our strategies and teach bystanders how to step in safely and speak out against peer cruelty.