A kinder America

Dear America,

Like many of you, our hearts are heavy after the Newtown shootings. It will be the topic of of many conversations in the coming weeks. From the corner barber shop to the White House, Americans will be talking about gun control, mental health resources and the memories of those who were taken that day.

As we mourn the losses at Sandy Hook, we also remember the tragedies that occurred at a shopping mall in Oregon, a temple in Wisconsin, a movie theater in Colorado, and the violence that occurs in cities throughout our country every day. The list is long and despairing.

Let’s take this moment to make a change. Let’s replace the violence with a kinder America.

We have the power to create a kinder culture in our towns, state and country. This power comes from our character. This power comes from standing up for what is right, being a leader for positive change, and being an example to those around us.

Standing up for what is right isn’t always easy and big changes won’t happen overnight. It is going to take each one of us intentionally working every day to be more caring, more compassionate, and more forgiving.

Here’s a few ways that you can get started today:

Remember that we are each fighting our own battles. We don’t know all that goes on in other people’s lives. Your kindness may be all that someone receives today.
Show others respect. Treat them how you want to be treated.
The next time someone cuts you off in traffic — just let it go. Assume it was an honest mistake and move on.
Take part in some random acts of kindness. You’ll make someone else’s day and you’ll feel good for doing it.
Forgive graciously.
Recognize the positive. There is already so much good that happens everyday. Don’t let it be overshadowed by the negative.

We are starting now. We are recommitting to build a current that will sweep the nation in kindness and respect.

Join us.

Learn more about character education.

How to talk to kids about the Newtown school shooting

From our guest contributor, Michele Borba.

The senseless school shooting that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School in the small town of Newtown, Connecticut is every parent’s nightmare. My heart breaks,as I’m sure yours, when I think about these families. As of this moment 28 people, 20 of whom were children between four and ten years of age, have died. All of us-including our children-are trying to make sense of the unimaginable. If you’re a parent or a teacher you may be wondering how to talk about this tragedy with your children. Here are a tips I hope will help you have a most difficult but necessary conversation. Gauge these pointers to the age and maturity of your child.

1. Keep yourself strong
Don’t expect to be able to help allay your kids’ anxiety, unless you’re keeping your own in check. You can tell your kids you’re calm and not concerned, but unless your behavior sends the same message, your words have no meaning. Your kids mirror your behavior. They will be calmer if you are calmer. Turn off TV. You need to be strong and calm for your children.

2. Talk about the tragedy
Please, please don’t think because your child isn’t talking about the tragedy, that he isn’t hearing about it. He needs to get the facts right – and you’re the best source. My “TALK Model” may help you remember the four important parts to talking about this or any tragedy with your child.

Use T.A.L.K. to Discuss A Tragedy With Kids

T – Talk about the event. Ensure that your child has accurate information and isn’t developing unfounded fears

A – Assess kid’s coping. Every child handles a tragedy differently. There is no predicting. Stay tuned into your child’s feelings and how he deals with the event

L – Listen to where your child is coming from. Use the “Talk Stop. Listen. Talk. Stop. Listen” model-follow your child’s lead

K – Kindle hope that the world will go on despite the horror

Here are strategies that may you use T.A.L.K. as you discuss this tragedy with your child.

~ Plan your chat. This will be a difficult talk, so take time to plan what you want to say to your child. Think through your lines. Anticipate your child’s questions (though you never know what may be asked so be prepared for anything). Planning your discussion will help boost your confidence and make you appear calmer.

~ Find out what they know. Peers talk. Cell phones access the Internet. Access to news is everywhere. Begin any talk by getting on the same page as your child so you can direct the conversation accordingly. “What do you know?’ or “What have you heard?” are good openers.

~ Don’t worry if you don’t have all the answer. None of us do. It’s okay to tell your child: “I don’t know, but I’ll find that out.” Keep in mind that kids usually ask only what they can understand.

~ Use a kid-oriented talk framework. You’ll be altering your talking points to your child’s age and maturity. Your discussion can be as long or as short as your child needs. Kids don’t need all the horrific details. For instance, give only information that is needed or asked. “Yes, 27 people died.” But you don’t have to describe the types of injuries, etc. Children can be literal (“Rapid fire” connotes a fire to a child) so try to think like your child.

~ Give information in little nuggets–small little doses–instead of a lecture format. Don’t explain more than your child is ready to hear. Don’t give out details that your child doesn’t need to know.

~ Honor the silence. Your child may be trying to process what you’re saying. This is a lot to take in so allow time for your child to process the information. This is a difficult topic.

~ Answer your child’s questions matter-of-factly. You never know what may be asked — or not asked so be prepared for anything. “Why did he shoot those kids?” is one of the toughest questions. Answer based on your beliefs but don’t give kids the view that’s how all people are.

~ Keep the conversation going. Let your child know you’re available to talk at any time or any place. Tell him, “You may have other questions, so come to me!” Let him know this is an ongoing conversation–if he so chooses.

~ Use a safe starter. A safe way to begin a conversation with a teen is to ask: “What are your friend saying?” Don’t assume because your kid is older or isn’t saying anything he isn’t affected by this. Many kids will hold in their concerns which is why you should initiate the conversation. You might also want to ignite that social justice element in your tween or teen: “What do you think our country should do?” Spark the conversation about gun laws. Talk about rights. Teens can get passionate. Listen. Let your kid talk. It’s empowering.

~ Assure safety. A prime concern of children is their own safety. Young kids are egocentric so don’t be surprised if their big worries appear “self-centered” — “What about me?” “Is he coming to get me, too?” Be clear that the gunman is caught. “You are safe. We are safe.” Young children do not have an understanding of time or space. “That happened way far away.” Or “That happened in the next school.” Let your child know what action your community is taking to assure safety: “The teachers locked down all the schools.” “The police were called.” “The doctors ran to help.” If your child is going back to school on Monday, describe safety measures the school is doing to protect kids. A letter from your principal may have arrived home outlining what the school is doing to protect kids. If your child is anxious, review parts of the letter or the school website that lists safety procedures. While you can’t promise safety, you can assure your child that everyone is doing everything to keep kids safe because people care.

3. Tune into your child’s feelings
Do know that kids respond to tragic news differently. Follow your child’s lead. Kids need to know that it is okay to share their feelings with you and that it’s normal to be upset. Help her find healthy ways to express his concerns. Do feel free to express your own sorrow or feelings: “Yes, I’m upset.” “I feel so sad for the families.” What’s most important is letting your child know you are available to listen.

4. Turn off the TV
Too much television is never good for kids, but with news showing such horrific images of a tragedy, it’s especially important to monitor how much your kids are watching. If your kids do watch the news, watch with them to answer their questions and certainly limit their exposure. Seeing repeated violent images exacerbates existing anxiety and actually increases it in some kids. But it also increases the “fear factor.” Viewing images of grief could also retrigger feelings of sadness in kids who have recently dealt with grief.

Beware: younger children often assume that those repeated images of the same event may believe the shooting is happening over and over again.

Don’t assume because your child is older, he is immune to those images. A Time/CNN survey found tweens are especially impacted by late-breaking news. When surveyed, they admitted that those news bulletins –without an adult there to help interpret them–are very stressful. Be there! Limit those images.

5. Comfort kids with family activities
In times of stress, kids needs to feel embraced by their family. That’s why it’s a good idea to spend plenty of time doing things together over the weekend—it helps her feel safe and sends a “we’re all in this together” message. Find tension-releasing activities the entire family can do together. For instance, go for walks or bike rides, pray or meditate, listen to soothing music or watch humorous videos. And engage in—or create—comforting family traditions: attend a religious service, or light a nightly candle to convey your sorrow.

6. Stick to routines
One of the best ways to alleviate anxiety is to stick to your normal routines. It is comforting and soothing to kids to know that life is normal—even though the news is giving them quite a different message. So stick to your routines. It sends a clear message that even during a tragedy , parents keep going to work, kids continue going to school, and the world will go on.

7. Tune into anxious kids
Watch your more sensitive child closer or your child who may have experienced a recent trauma during these next days or weeks. Trauma could be the death of a loved one, severe bullying, the deployment of a parent, experiencing a flood, fire, or severe weather such as Sandy. Certain kids are more vulnerable to anxiety or heightened stress during such tragedies. Of course you never know how any child – regardless of age – will respond. It’s why it’s important for you to be available. If you see anxiety and stress linger, become more pronounced, spill over into other areas of your child’s life, please call for the help of a mental health professional.

8. Do something proactive as a family
One of the best ways to reduce feelings of anxiety is to help kids find proactive ways to allay their fears. It also empowers kids to realize they can make a difference in a world that might appear scary or unsafe. For instance, help your child draw or write letters or have your kids help you send “hugs” (a teddy bear, crayons, coloring book) to the children in the community.

9. Point out the heroism
Please also draw your child’s attention to stories of heroism and compassion–the teachers, the police, the doctors–everyone in that community who was there to try to help these children. Point out those wonderful simple gestures of love and hope that people do for one another and often are lost in such a tragedy. Find those stories in the newspaper and share them with your family. USA Today reported stories of heroism in the midst of chaos that our kids should hear:

~ A six year old boy grabbed his pals and ran out the door to safety after the gunman shot their teacher.

~ A teacher hearded her students into the bathroom, locked the door and blocked it with a tall storage unit to keep them safe.

~ Another teacher hid four of her students under the computer desk and shelves until they were told, “You’re safe!”

10. Help your child learn to grieve
Now is the time to help your child adopt your religious beliefs or instill your values. Do what you believe with your children. For instance: Pray as a family. Attend a service together. Light candles together. Doing so is empowering to a child. The ritual will help them cope now but also know how to handle grief on a more personal issue later.

It’s so important to assure your children that there’s more to the world than tragedy and fear. They need to see the world as far more hopeful place.Your actions can make a big difference in helping to send them that message.

Now go hug your kids!

Learn more about character education.

Top 10 reasons we must build our children’s moral IQ

@TheRayCenter #CharacterCounts

From our guest contributor, Michele Borba.

Here are 10 reasons why we must build our children’s Moral IQs (and most especially in today’s racy, too fast, too soon, raunchy world).

1. Nurtures Good Character
The foundation to good character–or “moral intelligence”–consists of seven core virtues: empathy, conscience, self-control, respect, kindness, tolerance, and fairness. I identified these virtues of humanity as key to stopping youth violence and bullying in my work in schools and with at-risk youth. These virtues ultimately form our children’s character and are the principles they’ll use to direct the course of their lives long after we are gone. Building Moral IQ is our best hope that kids will have the foundation to good, solid character. These virtues are not temperaments or inborn traits but are teachable. Beware: in today’s racy, raunchy, celebrity-driven, test-crazed “get the score at any cost” society, these core virtues are also diminishing in our children.

2. Teaches How To Think and Act Right
In these troubling times, parents need to know ways to help their kids learn to not only think morally but also act morally. After all, the true measure of character rests in our actions–not in mere thoughts. Moral Intelligence teaches the specific moral habits that will get our kids on the right course so that they do act as well as think right. Keep in mind that home is always the first and most important school of character. Use your influence!

3. Moral IQ Is Not Guaranteed
Moral IQ is learned, though developing it is far from guaranteed. To ensure kids acquire it, we must intentionally model, nurture, reinforce, and teach it. If we don’t, the result can be tragic: an increase in insensitivity, dishonesty, aggression, incivility, cruelty, hatred, and injustice. We must be deliberate.

4. Protects Against Toxicity
The truth is toxic influences are so entrenched in our culture that shielding kids from them is almost impossible. That’s why it’s crucial to build Moral IQ. It will serve as their moral compass so they have deep-seated convictions to stand by their choices and counter any pressures from inside or outside that go against the principles of good character.

5. Teaches Critical Life Skills
Moral IQ is comprised of the skills needed to protect kids’ moral lives such as resolving conflicts, empathizing, knowing right from wrong, asserting themselves, controlling anger, learning tolerance, negotiating fairly, communicating respectfully, cooperating, using self control, sharing, and knowing right from wrong. These skills are needed in all life arenas, and especially in today’s troubled world.

6. Creates Good Citizens
It’s important to remember that the most important measure of a nation is not its gross national product, its technological genius, or its military might. It is the character of its people. Moral intelligence consists of timeless virtues that are the bedrock of good citizenship and responsible living.

7. Counters Temptations
Moral Intelligence gives kids the power to counter outside and inside vices so that they do what’s right. It’s what helps them navigate through the ethical challenges and pressures they will inevitably face throughout life and choose the right moral choices so they do act right with or without adult guidance. Remember, kids won’t know what to say no to unless they have a firm sense of what they believe!

8. Prevents Violence and Cruelty
Of the 26 wealthiest countries, our youth are the most violent. And peer cruelty and bullying is rising. Yet we continue to erect metal detectors and hire guards to “protect” students from themselves. The best protection is fortifying kids from the inside with Moral IQ and to teach three core virtues that lay the foundation for nonviolence: empathy, conscience, and self-control. I call those three virtues the “Moral Core.” Without that core, kids become time bombs just waiting for explode. We can’t afford not to build their Moral Intelligence: it’s our best hope for raising empathic, kind, responsible, just children.

9. Inspires Good Behavior
Moral IQ is comprised of the essential moral virtues needed to help our kids become decent, caring, and respectful. These virtues become a template for creating our kids’ character, guiding their actions, and ultimately defining their reputations as caring, good human beings.

10. Shapes Moral Destinies
Moral growth is an ongoing process that will span the course of our children’s lifetimes. But the habits and beliefs of Moral Intelligence we instill in our kids now will become their ethical foundation they’ll use forever. It is what will greatly decide our children’s moral destinies and will be our greatest legacy.

Learn more about character education.

Is this stopping you?

In our last post, we talked about the connection between attitude and effort. Our attitude about a project can affect how much effort we put into it. And vice versa. The connection makes sense, but what are the results?

Think about something you have improved upon or accomplished. What attitude/effort did you display? Accomplishments rarely come from a lack of effort and a poor attitude.

Just like many situations that challenge our character – the real test begins when things get difficult. Think of one of your more challenging goals. How would the results change if you improve your attitude or increase your effort? When you figure out what is stopping you from giving it your best, you’ll be able to make an adjustment and begin to see improvement.

Learn more about character education.

Attitude and effort

@TheRayCenter #CharacterCounts
How much effort do you put into a task that you dislike? What about the effort you put into something that you love to do?

It is easy to have a bad attitude when facing something you don’t want to do. Maybe it is taking out the garbage, making dinner, or doing your taxes – we don’t want to do it, and we’re not happy about it. So, we don’t try hard, we take an easy way out, and we skip a few steps. That bad attitude seeps into the effort we put out.

Before you decide to never take out the garbage again, remember, a positive attitude can help make the task more bearable.

You can control your attitude and you can control the effort you give. Try having a positive attitude and giving your best at something you like the least.

Next time we’ll talk about how that combination of effort and attitude can make you more successful.

Learn more about character education.